By Katie Walker
Ever get tired of doing it in the bedroom? Need a little something to spice up your sex life? Looking to score in some swanky locations? Well, you’re in luck my frisky friend. I’ve personally compiled a list of some of the naughtiest places for you to get some nooky. Read on for some hanky panky pointers that will make even the most carnal of Cosmo commentators hang their heads in shame.
LUSTIFY THE LIBRARY
As soon as they read this, librarians around the world will undoubtedly shutter in thought and our own UofL libraries will probably beef up security. But those endless and endless stacks of books provide semi-privacy and if you find some nice, dark corner, you won’t run into too many people. We recommend a major city public library, or perhaps a college or university library. Why? About 93.572% of them will have multiple levels. Multiple levels = easier to find a low-population area and a smaller librarian-to-visitors ratio. Most people will be too shocked/turned on/interested in trying it themselves to say something, but you will get the occasional prude who might tattle.
EROTICA ON THE ELEVATOR
Steven Tyler doesn’t sing “Love in an elevator” for no reason, folks. An elevator offers a lot of privacyÑ provided someone else doesn’t need to use it. Instructions: simply press the stop button, which, in most cases, will render the elevator out-of-service. However, if it’s the only lift available in the dorm/office/wherever, people are going to wonder what is going on. So choose a building that has multiple elevators or try this in the middle of the night. One important thing to watch for, though: hidden cameras. Your private encounter might end up making a very public XXX video.
DOWN AND DIRTY IN THE DEPARTMENT STORE
Most department stores (e.g. JCPenney, Lazarus, Sears) have a huge Home Furnishings division. Put it to use. You think they’d set out all those beds and sofas and armchairs if they didn’t want to you to try them out? Sneak off to some secluded love seat section and make that furniture true to its name. Really, the worst that can happen is you’re escorted out of the shopping facility and asked to not return. Helpful hint: go somewhere a little out of town or to a store you don’t shop in often.
GETTING FREAKY ON THE FERRIS WHEEL
Step 1: Go to a big amusement park.
Step 2: Get in line for the Ferris wheel.
Step 3: Wait until you are about halfway up and then start stripping (from the waist down).
Step 4: Go at it. While the other cars are loading, you can get your freak on. And once the ride is set in motion, people will be too consumed by the picturesque view to notice your swinging cage.
TANTALIZING TRUNK SPACE
Most people would never think to have “relations” in the trunk of car. But I hear it can be quite cozy getting coital in your hatchback. All it takes to make this sitch happen are some pre-boink breathing exercises, loose or easily removable clothing, and, of course, a car. Before partaking in this “could possibly be dangerous if not approached correctly” activity, make sure both you and your partner are completely okay with the idea of sex in a small place. We wouldn’t want to cause you lovebirds harm should one of you freak out and start kicking and screaming your way to freedom. Also, since the breathable air will be minimal, practice some deep inhalations beforehand. And don’t forget the breakaway pants and Velcro shirt.
PHONE BOOTH FRISKINESS
NOTE: This endeavor requires extreme flexibility and agility. Do not attempt if you have suffered any back injuries or if you have recently undergone surgery. Other than that, it’s very similar to the trunkÑ except you’ll both be standing up, and there’s less square footage. Our recommended positioning: Girl with one leg straight up and one leg straight down. However, unless Girl is a gold-medal gymnast, this could be quite tricky. Another suitable stance: Guy holds Girl up and Girl wraps her legs around Guy’s waist. You knowÑ like you’re doing it in the shower.
CEMETARIES CAN ACTUALLY BE SENSUAL
Everyone who reads this part will probably freak out, write to The Cardinal, and ask, “What the hell is your Sexpert thinking?!” But I assure you, there is validity to my claim. Think about itÑ what are the odds that someone will disturb you? The sheer probability that a funeral will be going on at the exact moment you and your mate start going at it has got to be about a gazillion to one. But I can understand if the idea of doing it on someone’s grave makes you queasy. It is, after all, a little morbid and somewhat disrespectful. But you can always find a plot that hasn’t been dug yet. Set up a blanket, bring some candles, and create a mood. You’ll totally forget you’re boinking next to Grandma Betty.
GET HORNY IN THE HOT TUB
I’m sure everyone has heard of doing this, so I’ll spare you the dirty details. But ladies, if you can finesse this just right, the water spurts won’t be the only jets in the Jacuzzi.
FOREPLAY IN THE FITTING ROOM
Seeing as how I’ve worked (and currently work) in retail, I can’t believe I am sharing this information with you. I just know that the next time I go into work, I’ll find out about some couple that had sex in the dressing rooms, and it will be my entire fault. But here goes… The key thing about getting frisky in a fitting room is not to be overt about it. Don’t stand there with your boyfriend, and coyly ask the attendant for the handicapped stall because “you need lots of room to try on your clothes”. Um, hello, obvious much? And don’t drag your girlfriend into the room with you as soon as the sales associate opens the door. He or she will just notify the manager and you’ll be booted before you even get your pants down. Pay close attention: be sly about it. Grab all your prospective (or faux) purchases, and, if the store sells it, an item of too-small lingerie/boxers/whatever. Try on a few articles of clothing, and, after each, open the door to show your beau and the retail rep. Then, ask the attendant for your correct size in whatever piece of panties you’ve snagged. When the new size arrives, put it on. Stick your head out the door, and ask your significant other to come look. If the fitting room person is paying even a minute amount of attention, they’ll understand why you don’t just chuck the door open. Then pull your lust-buddy in and get to the lovemaking.
There you have, folks. There’s not much else to say, so Happy Romping!
