By Eric Groves
Thanks God that’s over. I hate to rain on the parade of patriotism, but man those Winter Olympics were the most dismal television display since, well I’m not sure. Maybe the O.J trial? As soon as the Opening Ceremonies were over, the Spectacle in Salt Lake went downhill (pun intended) fast. (And by the way, how convenient of NBC not to even mention the crime and bribery and extortion it took the delegation from the ultra-wholesome Utah community to even land the games in the first place!)
I’ll admit, I watched a little. The ice hockey tournament was awesome. Seeing former UAB track star Vonetta Flowers become the first African American to win a winter Olympic medal was genuinely thrilling. I loved some of the Extreme events, and how could any Yank not dig the grit, panache, and humility of Apolo Anton Ohno? Believe it or not, I was sincerely cheering on the old Red, White and Blue to win some hardware. But how can anyone call some of those, uh events, “sports”? Let’s take a close look at some of the low lights of this years’ events.
* Skeleton (men’s or women’s)-a.k.a. “Head First Luge.” Watching participants risk paralysis by rocketing down a tube of ice on a garbage can lid at speeds of 90+ MPH is now a sport. Call me crazy, call me old-fashioned, but what kind of athleticism does that take jump head first on a sled and blast your way down a frozen waterslide? Didn’t we all do the same thing as kids in our bathing suits? It was nice to see Jack Mears, the third generation Olympian, take home the gold, but man, these people are psychotic!
* Curling-(WARNING! Feminists shouldn’t read this paragraph.)-a.k.a. “Shuffleboard in Motion on Ice.” I heard something on the radio that inspired me to create a slogan for the next “Curling World Cup” (if there is such an animal). Imagine this NBC promo: “Coming up next, we have Canada and the United States squaring off for the bronze medal in Women’s Curling. For all of you men looking for a good, thrifty woman around the house, be sure to tune in!” I mean, how degrading a sport to women can there be? A woman heaves a 42 pound rock (say about the weight of a hand-held Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner) down the ice behind two other women sweeping away madly like they’re in a Mr. Clean broom-off. No, that’s not too hard to make fun of. I guess there’s some goal in chucking those stones down the lane, but after watching about four times, I sure as hell couldn’t figure out what it was. What I want to know: where is this “game” even played outside of Canada, Switzerland and Great Britain? I scoured the Louisville Yellow Pages for “Curling Lanes” and strangely enough, not one was listed.
* Ice Dancing-a.k.a. “Ballroom dancing on skates.” One word: BAAARRRF! ‘Nuff said.
* “Skategate”-What a fiasco! Nevermind for a second that Michelle Kwan choked again, I’m talking about the fur coat wearing Canadian judge who claimed she was pressured to give high marks to the Russians-no, it was the Canadians, no wait…Blah, blah, blah. Nice. What’s even better is the IOC’s solution: let’s give BOTH the Canadians AND the Russians the gold. What a fraud. Athletes in all sports are punished by sorry officials all the time, and you know what? Tough! Did you ever see a the Yankees awarded a World Series title after losing, only to have it overturned because an umpire blew a call? Me neither.
I guess it wasn’t a total wash. Some of the sports were compelling, and it’s nice to see everyone’s home country rally around their athletes. But as usually when the games are held on American soil, it’s too much America. Probably worst of all was NBC’s faux ski lodge studio-fresh with a real, live fireplace! Could you get any campier than that, what with Katie Couric, America’s most overpaid sweetheart, sporting her Eddie Bauer woolen turtleneck, sipping cocoa from her NBC mug? Thank God this only happens every four years.
