By Claire Parsons
I am stupid. I am what one might call a less than intelligent individual. For the last 19 years of my life, I had lived under the misconception that I was terribly clever and an asset to the community. Now, I realize that I’m little more than an ass.
Yesterday as I was sitting in Mitzi’s attempting to read about cults, a group of people sitting at the table next to mine were discussing the suckiness of The Cardinal. Of course my name was mentioned (all seven readers of The Cardinal probably agree that I contribute a great deal of horrible material to the opinion page). One of the more loquacious members of the group boldly declared “Claire Parsons is stupid!”
I was shocked. Not shocked that I was stupid (I had had prior suspicions), but shocked that someone actually read my article and expressed an opinion about it. Despite my joy, I still had to face the truth that I am not the brightest crayon in the box. I had to come to terms with my own stupidity.
My first stage in accepting my lack of intelligence was denial. I went through every moment of my life searching for some tiny evidence of my intelligence. I told myself that my parents are smart, I got good grades in school, I am excellent at Scrabble, so I could not possibly be stupid, but then I remembered something that would dash any hope of considering myself intelligent. I realized that as a child my favorite singer was Mariah Carey. What else could explain this but inherent stupidity? I had no other alternative but to accept my inferior mind and move on with my life.
After an arduous three hour battle with depression, I began to discover some of the benefits that come with stupidity. Most of you intelligent people won’t understand this, but there are many good things about being a moron. It is said that “ignorance is bliss” and I was determined to prove that old maxim right.
Indeed, ignorance is bliss. I found this bliss on several levels. I began to like and identify deeply with the music of Britney Spears. Suddenly her premise that she wasn’t a girl but not yet a woman seemed to make sense. It became an eternal truth that I hold sacred and recite to myself nightly before I go to bed. My erroneous belief that I was smart must have clouded my judgment. I must have been false when I thought her nothing more than a no-talent sack of silicone.
Now I also understand President Bush’s motivation for a missile defense system. Shooting big rockets in the sky to blow up the bad ones in space, brilliant! We’ll defeat that axis of evil yet! How could a defense system proposed by both George W. Bush and the venerable Ronald Reagan lead America astray?
I have waded through the bogs of pseudo-intellectualism and have come out proud and stupid on the other side. If you are one of the millions of stupid Americans, do not rage against it. Let us find strength, pride, and unity in our ignorance. We are not alone; we have many shining examples of stupidity at its highest level. Consider Carson Daly, Tom Green, Carrot Top, the cast of Dawson’s Creek, and countless politicians. We few, we stupid few, we band of brothers, for he that is stupid with me is my brother.
Claire Parsons is a freshman Philosophy major and a columnist for The Cardinal.
Contact: claire_parsons@louisvillecardinal.com
