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The Genocide Project has been engaged in a world tour, complete with dancing Pandas and Las Vegas-style showgirls who perform their entire routine dressed as fetuses. All over America, college students have discovered the truth about abortion: that it is actually a pre-meditated attack on the “unborn,” planned by an evil mastermind from a hidden lair, known as Abortion Base Alpha. However, these “unborn babies” compose only one set of targets on his list. The arch-villain has also caused problems for Jews, blacks, lab monkeys, troops stationed at Pearl Harbor, World Trade Center victims, and anyone who voted in the recent SGA elections.
When I arrived on campus last Thursday, I immediately sensed that excitement was in the air. The smell of popcorn wafted across the campus. Sounds of laughing children rang like merry-bells. Then, I looked toward the Student Activity Center and saw the reason for the jovial atmosphere. The Genocide Project’s mascot, Freddy the Fetus, was spinning round and round with toddlers whose parents were busy in a class. A Tilt-a-Whirl towered behind the anti-abortion protesters, each booth decorated with a smiling fetus.
At the center of the demonstration, under the giant, flying fetus balloon, a set of purple spotlights shone against a series of informative images. These light and helpful photos included that of an aborted fetus at a clinic, a fetus getting kicked by an abortion doctor, a fetus getting attacked by dogs, a fetus getting thrown into a shark tank, a fetus getting dropped from a plane into Afghanistan, a fetus getting thrown as the first pitch at a baseball game, and a picture of a fetus getting slam dunked at a Cardinal basketball contest. Clearly, these atrocities must stop.
I telephoned a friend from Lexington to inform her of this genocide, and asked her to keep fetuses in mind in her daily life. I told her that she should invite the Genocide Project to the University of Kentucky without delay.
“Why would I need to invite them?” she replied. “They were already here yesterday.”
The Genocide Project had already been to Lexington?!?! Why does the University of Louisville ALWAYS come in last? Are our fetuses not as cool as their Wildcat counterparts? Are our abortions just kind of evil, while the abortions at UK are part of an evil axis?
If I were the aborted fetus of a U of L student, I would be royally pissed. I would schedule a press conference, climb onto a soapbox and tell the world:
“Listen, I may be an aborted fetus, but I am still proud to be a Cardinal. To those naysayers who claim that UK is the hub of fetus culture, bite me. Aborted fetuses from the University of Louisville dare to be great. The Football Fetuses are ranked third in the country and are contenders for the Rose Bowl. Members of the Aborted Fetus Actor’s Guild have starred in such films as Look who Isn’t Talking and Three Men and a Fetus. From this point forward, the Cardinal community must unite behind its aborted fetuses.”
A reporter would likely ask: “What do you care? You are just an aborted fetus!”
“O contraire,” I would reply, “Aborted fetuses live full and productive lives. When I am not out clocking bitches or cruising in my hoopty ride, I am writing haikus, such as: Aborted fetus/ running along a meadow/ the sun is pretty.”
Then the Genocide Project will know that Cardinal fetuses are #1.
Chaz Martin is a senior history major, opinion editor for The Cardinal, and writing a self-indulgent, inspirational farewell to be published in next week’s Cardinal. For advice, contact: opinioneditor@louisvillecardinal.com.
