By Erin Riedel
In my last column I discussed the plight of the nice guys and the girls who date them (or, often, don’t). Nice guys all too often find themselves watching sadly as girls they fancy get tangled up with jerks, and these same girls dislike themselves for being hopelessly and irritatingly attracted to men who treat them badly. Is there hope for anyone involved here? Can chemistry and respect coexist in a relationship? You bet! There’s a fine line between nice and boring, and I’m going to teach you to stay on the right side of it. Here are the Five Fatal Flaws of the Nice Guy: avoid them at all costs!
1. Too available. It’s all well and good to want to spend a lot of time with the object of your affection, but if she thinks you don’t have anything else going on in your life, this will be a turn-off. And if you really don’t have anything else going on in your life, she’ll probably find you boring anyway, so get some hobbies.
2. Too flirty. Everyone loves a sincere compliment, and a well-timed flirtation – even something as cheesy as a wink – can be electrifying. But don’t overdo it. Part of the fun of dating, especially in the beginning, is not knowing exactly where you stand with someone. So don’t beat her over the head with your affection, especially right off the bat. It will come off as fake and/or annoying.
3. Too sensitive. By and large, women love men who are sensitive to feelings – their own and others’. But men who are big piles of emotional goo are not attractive. If you have issues or are in therapy, there’s nothing wrong with that at all, but it’s also not usually appropriate fodder for first-date conversation. Similarly, she absolutely does not want you to put your happiness in her hands. If your heart is on your sleeve and has her name embroidered on it in spun gold, she will run, and rightfully so.
4. Too insecure. Dating makes lots of people nervous; that’s only natural. But as Jack Palance said, confidence is very sexy. If you don’t feel confident, fake it. You’d be surprised how much you can cover up. You must project an attitude of being coolly interested; sure, you’d like to get to know her better, but if she never wants to see you again, that’s no skin off your nose. If you don’t believe that you are worth dating, why would she?
5. Too much, too soon. Every other flaw is perhaps a subset of this one. In any good relationship, it’s expected that you will be available, flirty, sensitive and even occasionally insecure. But being too much of any of these things in the beginning is a death sentence. A potential girlfriend wants to get to know you, and to learn that you are a sane, together, mature person (at least most of the time). She does not want to feel that she is tossing you a life preserver and rescuing you from a sea of loneliness. If you are too quick to give her your heart, fairly or unfairly, she’s going to wonder what’s wrong with it. So don’t push for a commitment. Don’t ask after the second date whether or not you can call her your girlfriend. If and when she wants to be in a relationship with you, it will be because she knows, likes and trusts you, not because it’s better than being single. Those things take time to grow.
Now, to all you ladies who find yourselves ensnared by guys who treat you in a less-than-desirable manner, I have some words of wisdom here as well. More than likely this sort of guy does not exhibit any of the Five Fatal Flaws; to the contrary he is never available, sparing in his flirtation, insensitive, confident to the point of obnoxiousness and never wants as much from the relationship as you do. His attitude leads you to believe that he thinks he’s something pretty special, and you think he must be right.
He will treat you with utter disrespect, but you will explain it away; he’s had his heart broken, he has a bad relationship with his mother, he doesn’t know how to love. … You will amaze even yourself with the creativity of the excuses you will manufacture for him. You think that if you love him long and hard enough something will magically switch over and you will both live forever in a happy paradise land of joy. Unfortunately, this is almost never the case. The only way to get a jerk to stop treating you poorly is to cut him loose.
And with no jerks to date, what’s left? Nice guys. But try as you might, you find kind, emotionally available non-jerks kind of boring. Or maybe really boring. You might enjoy their company, but there is no zing, no spark, no butterflies in the tummy. “This guy could be my best friend,” you say, and you mean this as a condemnation.
What too many of us don’t realize is that this is a good thing! Jerks are exciting, oh yes. The pain of being ignored, the ecstasy of finally receiving some attention is a rush, but it is not the stuff that relationships are built on.
The immediate chemistry you experience with a jerk is meaningless. The chemistry that you ought to be after is the kind that builds slowly, that’s the result of random text messages, late-night visits with food when you’re hungry and not feeling well, and a sympathetic ear when you’re upset. It might not be quite as exciting as all the turmoil you’d experience with a jerk, but in the end you’ll be with someone who actually treats you well and wants to make you happy. And isn’t that what we all really want?
The next time you find yourself passing over a decent guy because you have a bad case of jerk-lust, stop and reconsider things. Ignore the jerk-lust and get to know the guy who wants to be good to you. You might just find the chemistry as sizzling as any you’ve ever known.
