By Amanda Addison
What brings us togevah
Mawaige. For some reason, I decided to up and get engaged over spring break, much to the dismay of the male engineering population. Everyone I told displayed a look of horror on their face. Apparently, making a life commitment is clearly taboo to most of my friends. Most said the same thing . . . “but you’re too young!” Perhaps they are correct. In the spirit of top ten lists, I’ve decided to compose a list of all the reason why I should not get married. And then I plan to ignore them because my fiance rocks!
10. I still take Flintstone’s vitamins. If that doesn’t scream “childhood regression,” I don’t know what does. But hear me out . . . they taste GOOD! If I wasn’t afraid that I’d grow a third arm, I’d carry some in my purse and eat them like candy.
9. I have yet to kiss Vin Diesel. As one of my lifelong dreams that has yet to come true, how can I get married without doing this? But I’ve been sending fan mail for a long time. I even sent him a bus ticket, but he has yet to show up at my door in a fast car as I requested. What if he comes too late? Although if I were persuasive enough, perhaps I could convince my fiance to let me kiss him in the event that he arrives after our wedding. I mean . . . it’s VIN DIESEL!
8. If my fiance were dependent on me for food, we would probably starve to death. And if we had children, we might have to eat them. I know that Pop-Tarts and Cadbury Creme Eggs are not food groups, but aside from eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon, my culinary experience remains at nil.
7. Due to some minor rules and regulations, in order to keep my scholarship- awarded to me by the all-time best automobile manufacturers, Ford (maker of the sleek, elegant, and egg-shaped 1986 Ford Escort)- I have to remain a dependent of my father. I am actually quite content to do this for the rest of my life; however, to deny a member of the opposite sex my lifelong companionship is truly cruel and unusual punishment.
6. I have the television and music taste of a prepubescent bobbysoxer. I watch “Dawson’s Creek” religiously and know JC Chasez’s middle name (Scott; his first name is Joshua). I sat in the third row at a Backstreet Boys concert and worked on the floor at an N’SYNC concert. I think Johnny Bravo is a stud and I buy Mary-Kate and Ashley clothes.
5. I have yet to kiss Vin Diesel.
4. I don’t even know how to do laundry. I tried to get my friend Alex, the Laundry Master, to teach me, but he’s too busy opening his window and listening for frogs. I attempted to do laundry a few times, but now my mother has padlocked the washer and dryer and forbidden me to step near them. Maybe I have a tendency to wash one thing at a time. Well, you can only wear one pair of pants at a time, so what’s the point of washing them all?
3. I have a tendency to burst into tears at pretty much anything. This often drives most men near the brink of insanity. I began to cry during the first ten minutes of “Slingblade” and continued on until the end, only pausing when Billy Bob Thornton said “I like them french fried taters, mmm hmmm.” I also cried through the whole second act of “Rent” and during most episodes of “Ally McBeal.”
2. Since I began writing this article, I still haven’t kissed Vin Diesel.
1. There is possibly no man on earth who could support my shoe fetish. Not that I would marry for such trivial things, but I myself have a hard time supporting the habit. I need shoes like crack, and I’m buying almost a pair a week. I’ve outgrown my closet and am moving into my brother’s. No one short of Bill Gates or a network analyst could afford my addiction.
Well, there you have it, folks. It is blatantly obvious that I should never marry. Unfortunately, I have fallen victim to Cupid’s love arrow and, despite the obvious, I am engaged and thrilled to death. I’ll see you all at the wedding.
Amanda Addison is a sophomore English major and
columnist for The Cardinal. amanda_addison@louisvillecardinal.com
