By Chaz Martin
The long nights since John Shumaker left the University of Louisville have found many of us huddling around fires, telling stories about “the John we all loved.” In times like these, when a cherished companion is suddenly rept from our arms by an orange giant from Tennessee, we find ourselves asking the eternal question, “Why?”
I have asked myself this question again and again in recent days, while crying over an old scrapbook.
The pictures of Shumaker laughing with his friends, such as Denny Crum, John Bon Jovi, and Bono, take the edge off the Smokey Mountains that separate our former University President from his beloved U of L.
The reason for our abandonment has eluded me. Was it my fault? Was it something I had done? Feelings of guilt permeate the psyche.
However, instead of wallowing in despair and contemplating life without John, I have chosen to focus on our collective road ahead.
We must now turn to selecting an interim president. I believe that one man may possess the mastery of organization required to steer the University’s course into summer 2002 and beyond… into fall 2002.
By the time the autumn leaves turn, I challenge the board of trustees to recruit and hire the only man who can unite the divided University of Louisville campus, the only man with the credentials to handle the bureaucracy, the only presidential candidate with a cape: the Interim President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai.
When I think Hamid Karzai, I think Louisville.
With deft and aplomb, Karzai has appeased the warring factions of Uzbek, Tajik, and Pashtun fighters in Afghanistan and established a relative calm within Afghan borders. Karzai could do the same at U of L, bringing together fraternity boys with Porter scholars, basketball players with library clerks.
Just as Afghanistan is divided by the squabbles of regional warlords, the University of Louisville’s competing racial groups segregate each other in the lunchrooms and on the library steps.
Karzai could unite them. However, there will need to be tighter security measures put in place to protect the U of L community from the deviants who routinely infiltrate the campus, such as the men who masqueraded as doctors in order to molest innocent feet last semester.
To police the Afghan countryside, Karzai has formed a new national army.
At the University of Louisville, security guards from Freedom Hall could fill this purpose.
They will be given horses to ride to and from “checkpoints” across campus, where they will use the signature “freedom chokehold” to maintain order.
As rumors of Karzai’s courtship with the University have swirled among international circles, George W. Bush has unfortunately interceded.
The president has stated that he wishes Karzai to remain in Afghanistan, supporting the US war effort.
Subsequently, Bush embarked on a smear campaign to discredit the University of Louisville.
He wishes to remove any chance that Karzai, a US ally, would leave his palace in Kabul for an estate in Kentucky. Unfortunately, this meant Bush’s condemnation for our beloved University.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, George W. Bush has added the University of Louisville to the axis of evil.
With this designation, we no longer receive White House Christmas cards and do not get to go to any of Dick Cheney’s keg parties.
And, thus, Hamid Karzai will likely be uninterested in the position as U of L interim president.
However, a top level delegation of UN ambassadors have intervened and offered to annex Louisville as a sovereign city-state. Louisvillians now have the option of becoming a province of Senegal, Laos, or Djibuti. Maybe then Hamid Karzai will sweep down from the Afghan mountains and lead us in a challenge for excellence.
New ad campaigns for the University can be unveiled, with Hamid Karzai surrounded by schoolchildren or walking along the Ohio river with a golden retriever puppy.
And ladies, Hamid Karzai will put Love back into Louisville.
Not only has he started a fashion revolution with his multi-colored capes and hatwear, but he reportedly can sing like a dream when you get a few bears in him. And guys, maybe Hamid Karzai will be your father figure, in that George Michael kind of way.
However, the odds are good that Bush will blockade the city to prevent Karzai from riding in on a white stallion and presenting us all with Afghan blankets.
That selfish bastard is probably gloating right now that he can listen to the rich, baritone voice of Hamid whenever he likes.
So, once again, I feel lost and alone like a little, little girl.
My Shumaker is gone and my Karzai is only a bearded stranger.
When will I find a University president who will love me?
Wait… has anyone called Jimmy Carter?
Chaz Martin is a senior history major and opinion editor for The Cardinal. Contact:opinioneditor@louisvillecardinal.com
