By Katie Walkerstaff Writer And Resident Sexpert
Like a Jerry Springer episode, it’s… Spring Break Sexcapades!
Okay, first of all, I just wanted to thank the few people who took time out of their busy schedules to e-mail me with their opinions on my recent articles, I love all feedback! I’ll bother to write you back. I’m not too “famous”, as one reader thought, to sit down and respond to your comments. It’s great knowing that people actually read my crazy antics, and it’s even better when I find out they like it! And a huge thanks to Mr. Charles Bradley, for referring to me as a part of “the true heritage of America, even though some people might consider [me] a pervert.” I can attest to that: I’m a self-admitted perv, but hey, if it gets the job done…
And now, for the part you actually care about-the sex!
I decided that since spring break is just around the corner, I would focus on Spring Break Sexcapades. Come on, y’all know exactly what I’m talking about. You think people don’t find out what it is you do down in Panama City? All you people are probably planning one of three things. 1) Some of you are currently devising evil schemes to go to a Spring Break hotspot, liquor up a bunch of underage cuties, and proceed to fornicate with them. 2) Some others of you are not planning on seducing minors, but are praying that your charms and wiles will win over of-age members of the opposite sex, in hopes that you too, will “get some.” 3) Still, some others involved in monogamous relationships are planning on taking their significant others to some secluded beach for a sandy romp. Whatever category your plans fit into, notice they all have one major thing in common: SEX.
For all you GUYS who are already cooking up ideas like #1, (because let’s face it-there aren’t too many gals out there who plan on seducing male minors), you really pique my interest. Is there some common childhood trauma/experience/genetic mutation that renders you servants to your penises? Is this as good as it gets? Going to Florida and banging as many hapless, unassuming high schoolers as you can? Do you guys all get together like football players in the locker room to regale each other with your sordid tales of spring break sex acts? Is there a kindergarten name chart somewhere with a bunch of “I got some!” gold stars all over it? I’m not trying to belittle you (or perhaps, subconsciously, I am); I’m just intrigued. Just let me remind you, that rape is a felony in all 50 states.
As far as #2 schemers go, as long as you’re both consenting adults (of limited inebriation), I guess all I can say is go for it. Oh, you might also want to check out our article on STDs-a venereal disease is definitely not a souvenir you want to bring back.
And, finally, for all you #3-ers, since you are in a devoted relationship with someone you obviously care about, kudos to you. Grab some candles, a blanket, and a picnic basket, and have a midnight make-out fest beneath the stars.
I’m not going to lecture all of you on proper protection and things of that nature-some of my fellow staffers have taken the liberty of doing that. Just have fun (not too much), be careful, and watch out for crabs. Happy romping!
