By Amanda Addison
What’s wrong with vengeful people?
Most everyone has an evil ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Some of us are thoseevil ex- boyfriends or girlfriends. And on behalf of those people, I’d justlike to say . . . hey, we get a bad rap.
Now what exactly turns an ex into an evil ex? It has been my experience thatthe dumpee is usually the one to become evil. I mean, clearly if someone was thedumpee, they did not have an overwhelming desire to be out of the relationship.
There is nothing more pleasurable than getting back that not-so-special someone,especially if they start to date someone two weeks later who is clearly not asattractive as you are. And has severe mood swings. And according to a mutualfriend, ugly feet.
And maybe we evil ex’s are a bit unfair to our former companions. But it’s notlike we asked for the love of our lives to leave us around Christmas so we couldwander the malls lonely, staring at people making out on the escalators (thereshould be a rule against that) and hoping that their shoe strings get caught andthat they’re sucked underneath the elevator, which is what happened to JimmyHoffa. Perhaps we should gracefully accept the cards life has dealt us and moveon. I’m here to tell you that you can move on, and yet there are still plentyof ways to ruin his or her life.
My friend Aaron’s brilliant idea was to get trashed and say things he didn’tremember to his ex-girlfriend, concerning the number of people she has seensince they parted ways, adding a sprinkling of colorful words throughout. Whilethis is a very direct approach and no doubt works, especially at a party infront of all her friends, it will get an EPO filed against you.
I prefer a less direct approach (like writing for the opinion section of theCardinal . . . Hey! Who said that?) such as giving your ex’s phone number tothe Mormons in exchange for the book of Mormon. The next time those cute guysin ties approach you be ready to hand over his or her digits and ask them tocall you when you get off work at 4:30 in the morning so you can talk aboutJoseph Smith.
Another idea (this was one of my dad’s favorites as a kid) is to go down toyour nearest army recruitment office and sign them up to receive information onjoining the army. Those recruitment officers are pretty vicious. In fact, justsign them up to receive all kinds of free information, from how to use birthcontrol to how to build your own kiln.
But by far, the best idea I’ve ever heard is to find a friend the same sex asyour ex with a similar voice and have him or her call and quit your ex’s job forthem. Now, I’m not as evil to try that, but I’m all about being an enabler.This is clearly a last resort, only reserved for an ex who made fun of yourmother or something.
Now perhaps I seem a little vindictive, and dare I say, bitter. However, weevil ex’s aren’t bad people. And some of you may shy away from dating us. Whocan blame you? Unless you’re prepared to marry us, I wouldn’t recommend datingus. Unless you really hate your job.
COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE: Has anyone noticed the resemblance our dear editor, the lovely, talented, and voluptuous Chaz Martin, bears to Conan O’Brien?
Amanda Addison is a sophomore English major and a columnist for the Cardinal whois a completely stable relationship. Contact:
amanda_addison@louisvillecardinal.com
