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I vividly remember last year’s football game against the University of Kentucky. Naturally, the Cardinals won 59-28. Walking out of the stadium, I heard a UK fan say that they basically won because they ruined our season by injuring Michael Bush for the year. This is the type of ignorance that makes me want to put stingrays in the UK natatorium.

The most difficult part of this whole rivalry is dealing with their ignorant fans. All Wildcat fans hold two characteristics in common: They have a false sense of reality and they are all living in the past. I’m waiting for VH1 to cast them for The Surreal Life.

If you ever bring up the laundry list of recent successes U of L has had (Orange Bowl, College World Series, track national champions, Final Four, etc.) a UK fan will immediately shout the name Adolph Rupp as if they caught a case of tourette’s.

Unfortunately, this is something Cardinal fans will just have to live with, because these days UK fans have about as much to be proud of as Mama Vick.

UK fans feel like they have already won this year’s Governor’s Cup, just because Lee Corso picked it as a possible upset, and our defense struggled against a less-than-impressive Middle Tennessee State University.

This terrible rumor that there is actually legitimate football being played in Lexington started spreading to deal with the fact that UK basketball has taken a fall from grace. Next year UK fans will get to watch their once beloved Rick Pitino and his preseason top five Cardinals on national television 16 times. If Pitino were Brad Pitt (not too hard to imagine is it?), UK would be Jennifer Aniston (no longer relevant), U of L would be Angelina Jolie (the “it” couple) and I would be the adopted child from the far away land of Toledo.

Kentucky’s all-time record against ranked opponents is 36-165-5, including a current 18-game losing streak. It gets even worse when you are talking about top-10 opponents, which the Cardinals happen to be. The last time UK beat a top-10 team was Penn State in 1977. For those Kentucky fans that just instinctively blurted out Adolph Rupp instead of doing the math, that is 30 years.

Kentucky head coach Rich Brooks has yet to beat U of L in his tenure. Since 2000, the Cardinals have won six out of the last seven Governor’s Cups, and this is the highest ranked Louisville team yet.

A wise shirt once told me if you can’t run with the big dogs to stay on the porch. Let’s just say that Brooks better grab a beer from basketball head coach Billy Gillispie’s stash, because they are going to be on the porch for quite some time.

My biggest fear is that UK could do something crazy, like actually beat a ranked opponent. The repercussions for the Bluegrass State would be horrific. Drunken Wildcat fans would celebrate by procreating with one another and we would see an abundance of children nine months from now.

Ignorance breeding with ignorance would lead to retroactive steps in the evolution process and would lead to even further struggles for the Kentucky public school system.

As much as the littering of the world with UK babies scares me, I’m not too worried about it, because I think losing to UK in football is kind of like global warming.

We don’t have to worry about it and our kids don’t have to worry about it, so it’s no big deal. I hope my grandchildren don’t have to live in a world where UK beats U of L in football on a 117 degree September night, but I’ll worry about that day when it comes.