By Dylan Lightfoot
University of Louisville officials announced plans today to rename Kentucky’s flagship state university the Univerisity of Alfie in honor of Senator Mitch McConnell’s dog.
"Senator McConnell has done so much for higher education in Kentucky, and for U of L in particular," explained U of L President James Ramsay, "which is why we have already the McConnell Scholars Program, the McConnell Chair in Leadership, the McConnell Center for Political Leadership and the soon-to-be-completed McConnell Collegiate Swim-o-plex, formely the U of L Natatorium"
Ramsay went on to say that the University wanted to name the new auditorium in Ekstrom Library after McConnell as well, but that cooler heads prevailed. The Board of Trustees decreed that, while continuing to name things after McConnell was truly an excellent idea, maybe the administration should think of some other living, incumbent state official to aggrandize.
"With the library expansion, we saw another opportunity to pay homage to Senator McConnell," Ramsay said "but having just dedicated the new couches in the Student Activities Center as the Senator Mitch McConnell Future Leaders of America Lounge, some trustees thought we might be taking it a bit far." It was then decided that the new auditorium would be named for McConnell’s wife, Kentucky Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao who is, by all accounts, a truly excellent woman.
These developments follow a trend of frenzied McConnell naming-after-of-things that includes the University of Kentucky’s McConnell Center for Distance Learning, Western Kentucky University’s new McConnell Intergrated Applications Laboratory, and the redesignation of the Louisville Science Center as the McConnell Educational Rompertorium for Young People.
Given this runaway trend, the idea to rename the university after McConnell was warmly received, but the trustees again intervened.
"We were on board with singing the praises of McConnell again," said board member Bondo Mai Honda, "but again felt the butt-kissing needed to be more peripheral to not seem so redundant. That’s how we decided on McConnell’s irish setter Alfie as the university’s new namesake. He was the next closest ‘person’ to Mitch McConnell."
Alfie, who is 4 years old, is an inside dog who likes to go for walks and chew rawhide bones. While he obviously couldn’t comment on this great honor, he did seem content to lick himself and roll around on the grass for reporters during his press conference.
The university also announced it is considering naming the new Belknap Research building Mitch and Elaine’s Bastion of Super High-Tech Research and Scientific Learning.
U of L School of Business and Public Administration professor Dr. Stu Pidasso, who named his newborn daughter after the senator, said that McConnell deserves all the sycophantic accolades he can get. "We really ought to name the whole state for Senator Mitch," Pidasso said.
"Nobody totes home the pork like McConnell. I think we should rename Kentucky the Commonwealth of McConnell."
April 1st Editors note: This article is completely bogus, fake and not even true, and is not to be taken seriously in any way — for entertainment purposes only. April Fools!
