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All of the excitement surrounding “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” got me thinking, why hasn’t ESPN created a show where they make over football teams?
Students from Duke University, University of Notre Dame and Temple University can send in sob stories about the struggle that their football team has gone through and how they need someone to come in and fix all their troubles.
The show would have to be headed up by college football coaching legend Lou Holtz, if for no other reason than I don’t want to hear him analyze another game. Holtz will play the role of Ty Pennington, yelling into a megaphone, making sure everyone stays motivated and trying not to drool on himself. Let’s just hope that Holtz, unlike Pennington, can keep his shirt on for the duration of the show.
If everyone can pay no attention to the slurred words and the tsunami of spit coming from his mouth, they can receive expertise from one of the greatest coaches of all-time who has 249 career wins on the college ranks and turned around the University of South Carolina football program.
Dealing with the offensive side of the ball would be none other than Bobby Petrino, who is becoming more and more familiar with football programs in shambles. He should feel comfortable back in the college ranks where he actually won games and headed up one of the most prolific offenses in the country.
Producers should be weary however. If Petrino finds success in television he might start fielding calls from “Dancing with the Stars” and “Days of Our Lives.” As U of L fans know all too well, he would be more than willing to leave a great job for a terrible one as long as the price is right.
The show will also need someone to run the defensive side of the ball. “Retired” U of L linebacker Willie Williams is looking for a job, but since it won’t be aired on FOX they felt he might be a little too PG-13. Instead, the clear choice is the guy from the Under Armour commercials.
I don’t know if he knows anything about nickel packages or blitz schemes, but he does know how to “protect this house.” The importance of winning at home is crucial. The University of Louisville was undefeated at home the years they went to the Orange Bowl and the Gator Bowl. This year, two of their five losses have come against unranked opponents in Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium.
As for special teams, the clear choice is Cardinal kicker Art Carmody. The Lou Groza Award Winner will bring in the 12-18 female viewer, and is closing in on the all-time NCAA points record.
With Holtz, Petrino, protect this house guy and Carmody running the show, there is no doubt in my mind that you could save a football program.
If ESPN makes this happen, I assure you that I won’t miss an episode. I just hope that U of L fans won’t have to start sending in letters.
