Good food, bad football

By Ryan Parker

Good food, bad football

Well, I hope you’ve all enjoyed your Thanksgiving holidays; I know I have. Food, football, and alcoholic beverages definitely make for a good time. However, there’s something not quite right with the football tradition these days. Maybe it’s just me, but the quality of the NFL games on Thanksgiving just isn’t what it used to be.

First, look at the teams who host the Thanksgiving games every year: the Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions. Once upon a time, these teams were probably very good, but these days, they just plain suck. I’m talking Bengals level of suckage. That’s quite a bit of suckage, if you know what I mean. For the past four years, both the Lions and Cowboys franchises have been in freefall. The man who fired Tom Landry only to win three Super Bowls in four years, Jerry Jones, is now more closely resembling Mike Brown in his baffling personnel moves. The Lions are no better, matching the upper management talents of former bruiser Matt Millen with the coaching genius of current idiot Marty Morhningweig.

This, my friends, is a disgrace. Alas, there will probably never be a change. Every year, millions of us watch crappy football games because there is no other football to watch. At least on Sundays, I usually have a backup game if the Bengals lose… err, when the Bengals lose. But on Thanksgiving, there is no option. You’ll watch the bloody Lions and like it. You’ll watch the stupid Cowboys and love it. Who wouldn’t want to watch America’s team on America’s holiday? I’ve got news for you, people: nobody likes the freaking Cowboys anymore. The Packers are America’s new team, and maybe they should have the Thanksgiving game. At least they’re in contention.

Let’s not forget the fact that every year, three NFC teams play on Thanksgiving while only one AFC team plays. It seems the NFL favors the NFC over the AFC. Sweet Jeebus, what is this world coming to! Methinks it’s time for some equality among the conferences. And it’s time for the league to focus on the fans that matter; those of us in the Eastern time zone. People on the West Coast don’t even watch the first game, because it’s ten o’freaking clock in the morning at kickoff. If the East Coast peeps are the ones watching the games, then we should get to choose which game we want to watch, and I’ll be damned if I have to pay extra for that NFL Sunday Ticket thing where you get to choose your game. This is all big bullshit! It’s time for the consumer’s voice to be heard and not ignored. Corporations can’t tell us what to enjoy anymore. I HATE THE GODDAMNED COWBOYS. Get over it, Mr. Tagliabue. (He’s the commissioner of the NFL. Kinda like I’m the commissioner of a fantasy league, only it’s fantasy and his is the real league.)

Whew… that was exhausting. Now, just for fun, let’s examine Thursday’s games and how crappy they were. In game one, the Patriots defeated the Lions. This was quite a shocker, because the Patriots are the defending champs and the Lions really suck. At least the Pats wore their old red jerseys and the white helmets with the colonial taking a crap. That was cool. Game two: Redskins at Cowboys. This is supposed to be the greatest rivalry in football, because both teams hate each other so much. You can’t be a fan of both teams, only one or the other. It’s supposed to be the Yankees-Red Sox of the NFL. Well, let me just say that I really don’t like either team, and I think this rivalry is sooo played. Result: Cowboys beat the ‘Skins for the ninth straight time. Yay, America’s team won on America’s holiday! Bring out miniature flags for everyone!

Well, at least there are more games on Sunday, and hopefully some better ones than we saw on Thanksgiving. I will say the day was pretty good, despite the bad football. Food, drink, and crappy football; now that’s Thanksgiving.