By Jordan S. Carroll
Social problems plague Jordan S. Carroll
Of all the issues facing us today, one springs to mind. One portion of the population is desperately neglected. No money, public or private, is allocated towards this cause. Not a single pixel or sound byte of media attention has been paid to it. The public has ignored this problem for nearly two decades now. I think it’s time for a change- Jordan S. Carroll has been woefully, painfully ignored for an entire generation. This is simply unacceptable.
Some might say that I’m being hysterical. They could point to nominal moments of attention. Yes, there have been moments when the public-at-large have addressed this issue, but their efforts have been all but satisfying.
Ultimately, these good Samaritan’s attempts have been inadequate. The Jordan S. Carroll issue still remains to be settled. Others might suggest, in veiled expressions and hushed tones, that Jordan S. Carroll might somehow be unworthy. Not so! Nothing could be further from the truth! Jordan S. Carroll is a good man, nay, a great man.
Jordan S. Carroll has done several things of noteworthiness, and these events have been duly noted. His list of accomplishments to date is far too long to list here, of course, but we should pause to consider a few. First, he is in fact a high school graduate. Second, he owns many books. Though not all of these books have actually been read, they remain in his possession. The third person comes easily to him, as if second nature. All of his teeth-all of them-remain firmly set in his jaw. It should be noted that Jordan S. Carroll is neither a bigot nor a misogynist. His antipathies extend toward pedophilia, animal cruelty, and slavery, as well. Jordan S. Carroll is a man of unimportant mysteries. A full six feet tall he stands, dwarfing people half his size. But are there not others more deserving? I say no. A thousand times, “No!” Those classed in the eastern ways would say that Jordan S. Carroll is owed by karma. Shrewd classicists might recognize that it is his just fate.
We need not retread his illustrious past and bright future, else we trample on his laurels. It should simply be said that, in an ideal world, Jordan S. Carroll would have precisely what he deserves, and what he so obviously deserves is this long-awaited companionship. What use would Jordan S. Carroll have with another, you might ask?
Jordan S. Carroll cannot say. He leaves his motives and intentions opaque. Some have suggested that he desires a proofreader, though this is doubtful. Others conjecture that Jordan S. Carroll wishes to have someone to sit in front of him in restaurants, so that he might have something to do while the waiter is away. Other possibilities include a chalice-bearer, a pierrot, a wine-taster, a puppeteer, a dance instructor, a chair-warmer, or an acrobat.
The only specifications, it seems, and these are minor ones, is that the person in question be female and immanently available.
Jordan S. Carroll is not alone in his plight, of course. His roommate, one Tristan P. Tyler, experiences difficulties of a similar nature. The two, of course, walk different paths on this matter. Whether Tristan P. Tyler is more or less meretricious falls beyond the bounds of this article, but nonetheless, he does deserve mention.
If anyone wishes, they may contact Jordan S. Carroll at the e-mail address listed below. There, they may lend a hand towards eliminating such a sore social problem. Interested parties should, of course, make themselves known in the subject line. Together, we can lend a hand to ending, once and for all, this serious social injustice.
