By Ryan Parker
Election day apathy
Perhaps the most boring and repulsive time of year is upon us: election time. Year after year, and especially in years of presidential elections, men and women lower themselves to new levels of treachery. Name-calling, backstabbing, lying, cheating bastards are what they all are. Not one of them has not, at one time or another, employed such techniques to obtain or retain their public offices. Every year, it seems that we vote not for whom we believe is the best candidate, but for whom we believe is not the worst candidate.
This is why I have never exercised my right to vote. I don’t plan on voting this year, either. Granted, last year was the first year I was eligible to vote, but it really isn’t fair for me to vote. I’m completely ignorant of any of the issues at stake, and mostly ignorant of the candidates in contention as well. Maybe I’ll vote in 2004. I can maintain enough interest in a presidential race, but this local shit bores me to death. Control of the state of Kentucky is really not worth the effort some of these candidates and their subordinates put forth. In my narrow perspective, there are about four issues that affect the economic stability of our state: horses, whiskey, tobacco, and marijuana. Everything else is just gravy.
As for the congressional elections, if I were voting, it would be for Jack Conway. As a liberal bastard, I’m obligated to vote for the more liberal of the two candidates, who in this case is Conway. Ann Northup can eat dog shit for all I care. Plus, as every girl I know seems to point out, Jack Conway “is way cuter than Northup,” whatever bearing that has on choosing a candidate. But you can rest assured that if the election was between two women, I’d vote for whichever one was hotter. Hopefully, the liberal one would be hotter, because I have a hard time rooting for conservatives.
Maybe I’d vote if we had many one-issue parties; that’d be much more interesting than two parties to choose from. They might accomplish more in office if they were only concerned about one major issue as well. Take NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws), for example. I’d like to see a candidate running only on the platform that they’d reform marijuana laws. I’m not a pothead or anything, but it’s hella weak that the government will let us smoke tobacco and not cannabis. Speaking of cannabis, why do people call it freaking “cannabis?” Call it “Mary Jane,” “reefer,” “dope,” or “weed:” anything but bloody “cannabis.” The only problem would be actually getting the NORML candidate elected. I think they’d have overwhelming support for their issue, but it’s kind of a problem getting potheads to remember things like going to vote.
In Cincinnati, I think a party intent on removing Mike Brown from control of the Bengals would be in proper order. That guy is one lousy SOB. He’s been knowingly screwing Bengal fans for twelve years now. It’s time for some action… to be taken… against Mike Brown. I don’t wish death on anyone, but if he did just happen to croak, I don’t think many people would kick up much of a fuss. You might even say that people would be happy that his reign of terror was over. In fact, there would probably be celebrations with balloons, dancing in the streets, and confetti.
Alas, I know it’s unrealistic. Some other SOB politician was the one who allowed Mr. Brown to play the city for a fool and convince their stupid asses to build his stadium for him. Man, politics = suck. But if you do happen to vote today, make sure it’s for Jack Conway because Republicans = suck too. And with that, let the Internet message board flaming begin. Just make your comments interesting this time, please. Oh yeah, and leave your “facts” out of the conversation, as this is the bloody opinion section.
