By Ryan Parker
Violence is awesome
Today is a wondrous day for lovers of violence. That’s right, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto: Vice City hits the shelves today. Well, it had better, anyway. I don’t want any delays; I ordered the game like two weeks ago. I have extraordinarily high hopes for this game too. Last year’s enormously successful Grand Theft Auto 3 is easily one of my favorite games ever, and the upcoming prequel is supposed to greatly improve the standards set in GTA3. I don’t foresee a disappointment.
For those of you who have never played GTA3, it is a delight. It may indeed be the greatest game of our time. If there was one word to describe this game, it would be “scrumtrilescent.” It was that good. I don’t even want to remember how many classes I skipped to play that game.
The game centers on an up-and-comer in the criminal world of Liberty City. As this character, you can attempt increasingly difficult missions of theft, extortion, and vengeance. With easy to remember cheat codes and a wide array of weapons and vehicles, anyone can sit down and kill freely. You’d be surprised how much better virtual blood makes you feel. After a long week of work or classes, you’re bound to want to kill someone, and this game gives you the chance to kill as many as you like. I am anxiously awaiting the prequel so my thirst for virtual blood may once again be quenched. Mwa-ha-ha!
But it’s not only virtual violence that’s entertaining. Take last week’s release of Jackass, a movie based on a television show about people doing stupid shit. If you even remotely enjoyed the TV program, GO SEE THE MOVIE NOW. I assure you, it is well worth your money and time. For eighty minutes, I laughed my ass off. You’d be surprised how much joy you feel when you see a baby crocodile nearly bite off a man’s nipple. There are, of course, more disgusting stunts in the film, like a man shitting his pants, a guy shoving a toy car up his ass, and someone eating yellow snow. Yuck! But it’s still hella entertaining. If you see one film for the rest of time, it should be Jackass.
If videogames and dumbasses aren’t enough for your thirst for blood, just turn on the boob tube and watch some sports. There is only one baseball game left this year, so the wussy sports have ended. Football and hockey season are both in full swing, with plenty of jarring, bone-crushing hits to enjoy. Don’t misunderstand; I feel bad for guys who get paid millions of dollars to get hit a few times a week. Wait, no, I don’t; they get paid millions of dollars for some bruises and a retirement of pain and rehabilitation.
Either way, football is entertainment at its finest. Speaking of football, how about those Cardinals? They’ve rebounded nicely from an opening loss to UK and are likely only one victory away from bowl eligibility. It’s not that I care about college football; I just thought I’d mention it. I’m sorry there’s no news out there for me to comment on, I really am. But elections just don’t interest me. Sure, I want Jack Conway to win too, but I can’t write a whole column on that. Who are we kidding? All I’ve got is some violence. And I must say, violence is wicked awesome. Well, not in the literal sense, but virtual violence or Jackass violence = wicked awesome.
