By Jason Schwalm
Emerging shell-shocked from finals week, many University of Louisville undergraduates will brush off the dust of another semester and wonder, “What am I going to do for Derby?”
As much fun as flashing strangers for beer might be, the infield is not for everyone. However, just because an afternoon of frenzied saturnalia with sun-soaked mulleteers is not your idea of a good time doesn’t mean that your Derby has to be spent at home alone, watching “Seabiscuit” and wondering what ever became of Jeff Bridges’ career. Maybe you could throw a Derby party of your own.
Admittedly, with the Run for the Roses just a week away, time is of the essence. First things first – clear your schedule. If your boss has cramped your style with another Saturday shift, you’ll need a good excuse. While some time-tested yarns – a sudden, unexplained illness or tragic death in the family – have served many a wayward employee well, I personally suggest quitting altogether. More than likely you work for an abysmal wage in conditions that afford you only minimal dignity, serving mean-spirited ingrates who wouldn’t appreciate your gamely sacrificed Derby afternoon even if you did work your shift as planned.
With your Saturday free, assembling a top-flight guest list is a must. Truthfully. though, it’s April 25, and if you don’t already have plans for Louisville’s gala event of the year, that’s probably because you don’t have any friends. Don’t worry, that’s what Facebook is for. From the comfort of your own home, you can stalk your classmates online. “Hey, can you bleiv that test in Bio? 4reel. BTW, want to come to my Derby party?” Sure you’ve never had a conversation with any of these people, but it’s the 21st century – face-to-face communication is so outdated. Live in the now.
Next: refreshments. Lighten up on the junk food, because if you gain too much more weight no one will have sex with you. Are oranges still in season? Either way, whatever low-rent Kroger fruit tray you provide will be entirely overlooked so long as there is booze. Your roommate’s girlfriend’s older brother has an expired ID you can borrow, and he looks just like you.
The coup de grace of every good party is a theme. You’re not just providing a day of entertainment, but moments to remember. Perhaps your theme can be “Gone are the days of cruising.”
Most importantly, your Derby party should be infused with your own personal style. Placing so much of oneself into an endeavor can make a person feel
