By Joe Elliott
Raptor vs.
The Raptor. Hollywood’s quintessential killing machine. How our modern day heroes stack up against THE benchmark of destructive precision is a question that only the best of us have dared to ask. Although nothing short of Jurassic Park + the Coliseum (and you thought Christians vs. Lions was bad) could truly answer the question, an undeterred Jon Hall pioneered the “Raptor Vs.” movement. The basic idea of the exercise is to simply pick an opponent for the raptor and discuss his/her/its success or lack thereof when pitted against said raptor. Be warned: although it may only take moments to learn, it may take a lifetime to master.
Godzilla: Obviously the giant reptile would have no problem dispatching a raptor. The real match worthy of discussion here is a Godzilla-sized raptor versus Godzilla. Although the much heralded lizard appears to be a fearsome foe (sporting powers like fiery breath), he lacks the ability to quickly destroy Mothra. I ask you, dear reader, would a you-sized moth or a you-sized raptor be a more deadly opponent. “Quick! Turn off that light or the moth might flutter over here.” Point made; Godzilla-sized raptor wins.
Your Grandmother: Unless you are a descendant of Wonder Woman this one is pretty much hopeless.? Get in the car, drive to the florist and pick out some pretty flowers for the closed coffin funeral before this one even begins. Raptor wins.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Surely, opposition like the ninja turtles is what “Raptor vs.” was invented for. Unlike the one dimensional “Raptor vs. Your Grandmother” the very nature of the ninja turtles lends itself to a multifaceted discussion.
For instance, let us consider two incarnations of the famous four: the movie and the cartoon. In the cartoon universe the Raptor, at the mercy of cartoon rules, would go down in a hail of flying pizzas and other equally zany fighting techniques. Turtles Win. After a lengthy rooftop battle, the movie Ninja turtles would win with the loss of but one. Turtles win; Leonardo loses; Raptor crushed in Garbage truck by Casey Jones.
Sean Connery: Although Sean Connery, as himself, would be quickly eviscerated (after making it with the Raptor’s girlfriend) the various Sean Connery characters provide much more heated debate. Colin Wier and Peter Lisherness, experts in “Raptor vs. Sean Connery”, were able to contribute the following:
After blowing a couple things up while investigating the death of a fellow agent, James Bond Connery steals the Raptor’s girlfriend and makes sweet love to her. In the morning, Connery discovers that the girlfriend was killed, and he’s about as angry as a Scotsman can get (which is pretty ugly). After sleeping with her sister and a half dozen of the Raptors henchwomen, the Raptor manages to capture Connery. Connery talks his way out of being cut in half by a laser, only to find a secret plot to break into Fort Knox and steal a Russian encryption machine. Connery foils the plot, kills the Raptor, and ends up in a raft somewhere with one of the Raptor’s henchwomen sipping on Dom Perignon. Connery Wins.
Darby O’ Gill and the Little People Connery sings to it causing its brain to explode. Then he gets a hot Irish lass.
First Knight Connery skewers and eats the Raptor.? Then he gets three maidens and four cubits of land.
Medicine Man Connery kills the raptor and finds that a bacterium in the Raptor has the cure for cancer. Then he runs into the woods with another hot biologist.
Unfortunately, due to space constraints, not every Sean Connery character can go toe to toe with Raptor in the couple hundred words provided for an opinion column. Despite my desire to rant about Hunt for the Red October or Robin Hood Connery, these particular scenarios will have to be debated by the reader over a sandwich at Mitzi’s.
At this point you may be asking yourself: “But, Joe, how can I, one student at the University of Louisville, make a difference in the world of ‘Raptor vs.'”? Thankfully, I have the answer: No longer should you leave the question of “Raptor versus Darth Vader” or “Raptor versus the Powerpuff girls” to the imagination. These important questions should no longer be ignored, but rather discussed in an open forum without restraint or fear of persecution. Go forth, boldly, readers and tackle the issues of “Raptor vs.” that you face in your everyday lives.
