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The self-indulgent goodbye column
There is no rational explanation for my upcoming graduation on May 11, 2002. After disturbing the peace at three universities in four years, I am constantly in fear that a student adviser is hiding under my bed, armed with a transcript in her hand and a knife between her teeth, ready to send me back to Orientation 1998. There must be some grave mistake. Who in the registrar’s office was on coffee break when my diploma was given the stamp of approval?
Surely, the freshman responsible will be fired for wanton endangerment, but his careless deed has been done. I plan to take full advantage of this sweet twist of luck, getting out while I still can, clinging on to the bottom of a helicopter just before the North Vietnamese Army pulls into town with my face on a WANTED sign. I just might miss the firing squad yet.
And so I am researching Kazakhstan in preparation for my two-year stint as a Peace Corps do-gooder. Yes, Kazakhstan, which is Russian for “Thank God I am not at the University of Louisville-stan.”
But before I go, allow me to spin out one last column. What follows is my self-indulgent advice to you. It will likely wash away my last shreds of my credibility and turn off all three of my readers, but they never should have read my columns anyway. I am not responsible for anyone who continues below this line.
Don’t believe in your cause.
The most dangerous people in the world are those that believe in their own rhetoric. There is nothing wrong with fighting for a noble ideal to make change, but always know that your side of the argument is arbitrary. You could just as easily be fighting for/against Satan, based on whether or not your family wrestled snakes during Eastern Kentucky church services. When you have a cause, everyone else should buy it, but you should not.
Find a way.
To get anything done, ever, anywhere, you have to find out how it is supposed to be done. (What does the application, your boss, the Never be a fundamentalist, whether your book is the Bible or the Communist Manifesto. There are a number of right-wing fascists huddled in the mountains of Colorado waiting for the race war. However, there are a hell of a lot more leftists waiting for the overthrow of capitalism, while living in a collective without a working laundry. Neither of these groups are going to make a damn difference. More likely, they will gather with the half-dozen people who adhere to their strict guidelines and stew about how the rest of the world is evil. Much more effective are those who consciously choose their beliefs on a case by case basis.
Burning out is better than wasting away.
If you ever find yourself surrounded by pot freaks in an Old Louisville Apartment five years from now, falling to sleep to the sounds of video games, take the first Greyhound out of town while you still can. This fate is almost as bad as getting married at age 22, set for a life as a middle-manager at Sam Swope auto dealership, but not quite. Compromising to achieve something is different than settling for an easy nothing. I don’t recommend max-ing out your VISA to shoot your first movie, but it might be a good start.
And on and on and on…
I can’t say that I have enjoyed the University of Louisville, or any university for that matter. This entire complex, including its newspaper, is held together with toothpicks and gum. The administration is made up of kleptocrats who gauge the students any way they can, in order to finance their estates on the east end of town.
But in the end, I am going to miss the kids that go to school here. Skipping classes to smoke my pipe on the library steps was worth it because I was able to convince so many of you to skip your classes as well. Figuring out how to do this, while still receiving A’s, was truly a slacker’s journey of discovery.
A final feeling of guilt pervades me. I am leaving you to fend for yourselves against egomaniacal SGA members and the axis of evil. So, if you ever need me, just say “Kazakhstan” three times and I will be there for you.
Be good to each other.
Chaz Martin is a senior history major and opinion editor for The Cardinal. Contact: sweenyz@hotmail.com
