By Simon Isham–

I find it more than a little demeaning to have interactions with people who don’t give a damn about establishing a relationship with me personally, but have a vested interest in parting me from my hard-earned cash, valuable time and legally binding signature. And yet this problem is rampant on U of L’s campus, festering every step of the way between Porter College of Education and Speed School.

“Do you care about the environment?”

“Would it be okay if I shared a brief message of peace with you?”

“Does it bother you that thousands of animals are suffering in captivity right now?”

With questions phrased like these, do solicitors honestly expect anyone to be so callous as to not indulge them? Of course, this is exactly what they want; they know that open -minded, and perhaps slightly naïve, college students are easily swayed by this kind of ensnaring language. It is this kind of language which makes me retch at its thinly veiled shallowness.

Solicitors like those representing the military are never pushy and are confined to the lawn by the SAC. The same can’t be said for Green Peace.

Those students who truly care about the issues that these campus-haunting beseechers flaunt are so beyond the basics that they are entirely unaffected by the neophytic, pre-manufactured spiels and slogans that are currently being spewed most intensively in the Ekstrom quadrangle. Those elevator pitches are instead designed to appeal to the masses: by giving that five bucks to Greenpeace, you’re supposed to feel the same authentication you’d feel if you’d quit school to save the Arctic.

Unlike those infernal ASPCA commercials, where Sarah McLaughlin pets a domestic animal and sings about being held by celestial beings, you can’t just press a button to make the pathos-driven marketing cease. But U of L can take action to curb the diffusion of solicitation on campus.

As it is a public university, it cannot restrict solicitors from the premises entirely, for to do so would be a violation of their First Amendment rights. It can, however, require that non-student solicitors preregister with the university for a time and location that has been approved for their use. This prevents the problem of oversaturation, as well as making procedures just a little bit more difficult for potential solicitors to navigate. Unfortunately, such a plan is not currently in the works.

In the mean time, though, you too can help to quell the groupthink. The next time someone comes up to you with a flyer, asking “May I speak to you about universal healthcare?” don’t speak to him. Don’t give him money. Don’t sign his paperwork—it will only spawn more of them. In fact, don’t even hesitate to tell him he can take his cause and shove it.

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Photo: Val Serdino/The Louisville Cardinal