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The recruiting site Rivals.com will give you everything you need to know about football and basketball recruits around the country; ranging from 40-yard dash times to ACT scores. I always found it weird that they never rank what truly makes an athletic program great, the fans. Here is a fictional look at fictional fans that will be joining the Cardinal Crazies as the Class of 2011.

5-Star Recruit Seamus O’Shea

O’Shea, an import from Dublin, Ireland, has been one of the top fan recruits in the world ever since he brought a referee to tears as an eighth grader. He is a student of the game who knows what your third cousin did her senior year of high school. As is traditional in many parts of Ireland he skipped breast-feeding for the ever-pacifying Guinness Stout. As a true freshman he has already developed the beer belly of a fourth year student. When taunting opponents, O’Shea uses words like ‘wully’ and ‘brasser’ that we Americans can’t even fathom the meanings of. He is a little raw, seeing as he still thinks football is played with a round ball, but given his history of hooliganism, he should be a welcome addition come the Murray St. game.

4-star recruit Leslie Simpson

Simpson is a retired cheerleader from Alabama. This flat-belly freshman still has the ability to “Bring it On,” “Bring it On Again” and “Bring it On: All or Nothing.” She already went to Mall St. Matthews and picked up her extra-small pink Brian Brohm jersey. What Simpson lacks in size, she more than makes up for in signage. This art major has already made a masterpiece for the ‘Best Sign Contest’ at the Aug. 29 pep rally. The sign reads “I gave Lee Corso a Harry Douglas.” Nobody really knows what it means, but you can only imagine.

3-star recruit Sam Mayer

Mayer, a retired linebacker from a local high school here in Louisville, did more steroids in high school than Bill Romanowski at Barry Bonds’ birthday party. The steroids have made his head bigger than a UK fan after a Gaylord Music City Bowl victory. His uncontrollable roid rages make him the ideal fan to have on your side. A minor attack can leave 10 Mountaineer fans in stretchers. Mayer finds it necessary to wear a Pabst Blue Ribbon stained wife beater to every game. But don’t question his loyalty for not rocking a Redshirt, Mayer has been a Cardinal fan from birth.

2-star recruit Jake Higgins

Higgins is a junior college transfer from Spalding University. He was once a 5-star recruit, but fell under the radar when he got suspended for streaking at a women’s basketball game. Higgins should bring excitement to tailgating seeing as he is the reigning Polish sausage eating contest champion. He regained the title from Asian arch-rival Tokayami Pikachu by chomping down 28 sausages.

1-star recruit Claire Jones

Jones is that extremely attractive girl who walks around campus in her UK shirt. Every time a cute girl puts on a Wildcat shirt, Michael Vick kills another puppy. I beg everyone to pay no attention to the likes of Jones. Just because the color blue brings out her eyes does not make it right for her to embarrass U of L by visibly supporting the rival. I can only hope linebacker Willie Williams pulls out his guns and teaches Claire about respect. I’m talking about his massive biceps of course.

I will see everyone Thursday for tailgating. Everyone is going to have to bring their A-game to keep up with Seamus, Leslie, Sam and Jake. I hope everyone will have the decency to ignore Claire when she is walking around drinking her Smirinoff Razz. God, I love college football.