By Claire Parsons
Procrastination pays
Last week, my ass was saved by the snow. A half of a semester of not paying attention in class, rarely understanding the reading, and waiting until the last minute to study should have resulted in my receiving a fair dose of comeuppance Thursday morning when I walked in to take my philosophy exam. Luckily, that exam was pushed back until today because of the snow. I thank God for having mercy on my procrastinating and iniquitous self, even though I don’t deserve it. In my philosophy class, we studied many proofs of God’s existence. I read the arguments of men much smarter than I am discussing whether or not there is an infinite being up there. However, the snow day was the only really convincing proof of God’s existence that I’ve seen this year.
Many of my friends were hurt by the snow day rather than helped by it. Although I gained from it, I still feel badly for them. Wednesday night, everyone was saying that U of L never has snow days. Most normal people studied and prepared for the next day as usual. Not me. I waited until 10:30 PM to study for an exam at 9:30 AM the next day. Yes, it was incredibly stupid, but once the idea of a snow day entered my mind, it was impossible to shake it.
As you probably have guessed by now, the studying did not go well. Never, ever try to teach yourself Kant at 1 AM. It’s a bad idea. It’s probably a bad idea to try to do it when you are wide awake. Kant, unlike me, was brilliant. However, he frequently used words like “noumena” and “apodeictic” and infrequently used things like periods, opting instead for a vast quantity of commas and semicolons. You practically have to diagram each sentence to understand what he’s trying to say. Even if you get that far, you’re still not sure because what Kant discusses is so weird. One would think that Kant would make more sense after midnight; sadly, that was not the case.
After an incident like the one I have just described, it seems appropriate that I learn something from it. What’s the use of getting to the brink of academic suicide without learning a life lesson? Well, fear not, because I learned quite a few lessons. Lucky for you, I’m going to pass them on.
First: procrastination pays. Yeah, sure, you’ll pay for it once or twice, but in general, you will get away with it. If you are so inclined to get your work done early, by all means, do so. But if you are a heinous slacker who prefers to wait until the last minute, be proud and do it with flair; some real life deus ex machina event will usually show up to save you.
Second: the university will always do what is least convenient for most people. When you are trying to anticipate what our administration is going to do next, remember their anti-utilitarian past. The snow day helped me, but it screwed a lot of other people out there.
Third: when trying to keep yourself awake, don’t waste your time with tea or Coke. Go straight for coffee.
Fourth: my boyfriend rocks. He walked in the snow at 10:00 PM to see me and then sat up with me until almost 3:00 AM in order to make me study.
And fifth: I am not a woman, I am still a child. I should have learned my lesson about procrastination in fifth grade when I tried to write a book report the night before it was due. I am almost twenty years old and cannot make myself study without a babysitter.
Anyway, have a happy holiday season and a great new year. This year, I think I’m going to resolve to grow up, but I’ll probably wait until next December to start doing so.
