By Joe Elliott
Harness your Han Solo
A long, arduous spiritual journey left me tormented by the emptiness inside of me. A terrible thirst, an aching for truth, raged inside of my breast. I felt destined to wander forever in this barren wasteland, until finally, I came upon an Oasis of Hope, an oasis I like to call Han Solo. In this article, I would like to share the simple beauty and spiritual truth that harnessing the Han Solo within me has brought into my life. After many hours of deep meditation, introspection, and other various religious-sounding words, I have managed to broaden my horizons in such a way that I will be able to confidently fly the Millennium Falcon of my life.
Initially, in awe of Han Solo, I set out immediately to imitate him in the minutia of my everyday life. Wearing slick leather vests, not bathing, not shaving, fighting the empire, looking out for number one, calling women “sweetheart,” and carrying around a full-sized Chewbacca cardboard cutout were enough at first to fulfill my desperate spiritual cravings. However, after many superficial months of attempting to imitate Solo, I realized that outward appearances weren’t enough and, like a laser blast cutting through imperial armor, my soul was rent asunder at this shattering revelation. Once again, I came crawling back to Han Solo on my knees, searching for a deeper truth than his sexy look and dress.
After months of studying the holy trilogy in isolation, I have gleaned three axioms from the precious words that have fallen from Solo’s lips:
Han Solo On Luck: “Never tell me the odds.” Playing blackjack? Choosing the Pick 3? Checking a Mountain Dew cap for a chance at a possible $1,000,000? Whatever your situation, just remember that the odds aren’t important. Whether daring an asteroid field or attacking an Imperial Star Destroyer head on, ignoring the odds only meant good times for Solo and his crew.
Han Solo On Life: “I don’t know, fly casual.” If you don’t know… fake it. Attempting to land on the forest moon of Endor despite the possible force detection of Luke Skywalker by Darth Vader while awaiting the confirmation of a code (even if it was an older code) stolen by Bothan spies in order to lower the second Death Star’s deflector shield didn’t phase Han Solo, and it shouldn’t phase you. Next time you’re completely lost on a test and can’t remember a thing, or next time you wake up next to someone you’ve never seen before, just fly casual.
Han Solo On Love: “I know.” Whenever you’re in a relationship, you should live and die by these two words. Situation: chick tells you you’re hot. Response: “I know.” Situation: Girlfriend tries to tell you it’s not working out. Response: “I know.” Situation: Princess Leia Organa professes her love. Response: “I know.” No matter what the love situation, you can stay on top by remembering this simple phrase.
Living by these truths has changed my life and revealed the Han Solo abiding deep within this frame of a human being. I urge you too, reader, to reach deep inside and discover a Han Solo that you only dreamed existed.
Now that you are equipped with this new knowledge, never hesitate to draw the blaster of wisdom from your side and dispose of the Greedos of evil in your life with a quick gut shot of righteous indignation under the table. (Just don’t forget to tip the bartender on the way out.) Living your life by these truths is by no means a guarantee of a happy life. Sometimes, when the Dark Side of the force has you down, Jabba has a bounty out on your head, and you’re just plain trapped in carbonite, simply remember to look to Han Solo, gracefully piloting the Millennium Falcon, stroking his stubble, looking out for number one, and ask yourself, “What would Han Solo do?”
