By Joe Elliott
Yet another white male
In a nonshocking development, Yet Another White Male has been chosen to fill the vacant bi-weekly opinion column spot. Due to this completely expected turn of events, my pasty-white mug will grace the opinion page every other week. Joining the ranks of my fellow equally white males Eric Groves, Jordan Carroll, Ryan Parker, Dan Nelson, Benjamin Humphries, Brian Yates, and Ken Walker, I plan to uphold the virtues of a pale complexion and a middle-class suburban upbringing. During my tenure as an opinion columnist, I hope to offer my unique opinions on a variety of unimportant topics. Ranging from dull to slightly insane, my writing will attempt to be nothing short of a nonfresh take on a variety of ordinary subjects.
In the wake of this undaring decision, I invite you, dear reader, to join me on a bi-weekly non-eventful wondrous journey into a world populated by my bland writing and skin tones. If you seek a safe haven from bickering factions, opinionated writers, skin coloration, or conscious thought in general, then my column is capable of providing this by either the required six hundred meaningless words every other week…or using it as rolling paper for your next joint. The inherent lack of contrast provided by both my complexion and non-controversial opinions will allow the reader to comfortably sink into a blissful stupor…or maybe that’s the ganja.
As a white male, my qualifications for this job did not go unnoticed. Only my incredible lack of real writing skill, controversy, melanin, valid opinions, a decent vertical, or a mug shot that looks anything like me, make me a perfect candidate to spew out six hundred to seven hundred words every other week for your reading pleasure. This deadly mélange of status quo qualifications is guaranteed to provide you with the kind of editorial commentary that you could have easily written yourself.
However, the question of why such uniformity exists is still not apparent to my two loyal readers. Although the monotony of complexion may be obvious to the opinion columnists currently on staff, the reason for this choice to the general public may be only slightly less so. Is it because we write columns of such import that only mentally handicapped squirrels would refuse to heed their sage advice? As evidenced by this very column: No. Perhaps our typing skills greatly outweigh those of average mortals, and we have the keen ability to type all of six hundred words in the span of a single week? Considering this would work out to approximately .05 words a minute, I’m pretty sure our aforementioned “special” squirrels would be able to accomplish this same great feat. The real reason for the lack of hue, chroma, or shade in the opinion column staff is both subtle and wily. Taking into account The Cardinal’s lack of funds, rising ink prices, and mug shot requirements, your average white male would take significantly less to print his picture. Consider the advantages of a mostly white mug shot as opposed to other various skin tones getting in the way. Rumor has it that next year tans will be outlawed.
I take my post with a grave attitude and deep respect toward my responsibilities of expelling six to seven hundred words every other week. As the semester progresses, I solemnly swear that I will strive to annoy, entertain, and/or dismay you on multiple occasions. However, this can only be accomplished with YOUR help. In an ongoing effort to remove anything vaguely resembling rational thought or reason from my articles, I urge the reader to send both constructive criticism and stories about how you got high smoking my articles to the email address provided below.
Sage Advice for the Day: Start collecting nuts earlier this summer. Just because you’re not as able as other squirrels doesn’t mean you should give up.
