The Internet has failed me, hot women have not

By Ryan Parker

The Internet has failed me, hot women have not

The Internet has failed me. After five years, our relationship has hit a wee bump in the road. In the beginning, it was different. I’d come home to the warming glow of my computer screen like the dork that I am. It was almost comforting. I could find all the entertainment and low prices I wanted without the hassle of human contact, and all at the expense of my parents or the recording industry. Alas, things have changed. These are hard times when you can’t even open your homepage without some annoyance.

Pop-ups: my God, they’re everywhere. No, I’m not talking about just the porn sites I visit either. They are freakin’ everywhere, and they’re getting smarter. Some of them cleverly hide the “X” or “close this wretched window” button halfway off your monitor. I especially hate the ones that speak or play some joyful melody while I’m trying to examine the box score from yesterday’s game or, God forbid, do homework. Then there are the ones that prance and frolic across your screen, dodging every effort to close the little bastards.

And now… well, my search engines suck too. Take the other day for example. I was trying to find an Eliza Dushku wallpaper for my desktop because she is freakin’ hot, and only four sites came up that were of any consequence or actual relation to Eliza Dushku wallpapers. So I click on some of the sites that actually pertain to what I’m looking for, and the sites suck too. Guess what they’re just chock full of? Pop-ups. Damn straight. After a few minutes of sorting my way through the seemingly endless maze of pop-ups, I finally saw some wallpaper of Eliza Dushku. Hell yeah. There was only one problem. That wallpaper… well, it just wasn’t near my ridiculously high expectations. I finally settled on one after I completed the arduous task of clicking through more and more ads on the third or fourth site I visited. It was par for wallpaper (if wallpapers were judged in golf scores). I wanted the birdie, though; perhaps even the elusive eagle.

I just had to have that eagle. So next, I tried my download dealie of choice: KaZaA. I did find some nice wallpapers this time, which were of course nude or topless, but the only clothed pics were all similar and of poor quality. I’m not knocking nude pics, but I’d rather keep them off my desktop. I maintain some degree of class. Of course, they didn’t fit my screen- that would be far too much to ask. Alas, my search for the perfect wallpaper had fallen short. Fast-forward a few hours. So I had some friends over at my place, and they were messing around on my computer. You know the drill: they sign on your instant messenger and ensure that your other friends never want to speak to you again. They change your settings and your wallpaper, and they probably download some porn, or in this case, a new wallpaper.

However, I was pleasantly surprised this time. A few weeks earlier, I had fruitlessly searched for a nice Avril Lavigne wallpaper. Alright, she’s only seventeen and that song of hers is a little trite at this point, but man, is she hot! And she’s Canadian. She probably likes hockey too. I like hockey. I like Canadians. What a coincidence. Anyway, this is quite a wallpaper. It’s symmetrical, it fits my screen without any stretching of the image, and I wasn’t the one who had to suffer through countless pop-ups to find it. I’d probably rate it as a birdie… eh, maybe an eagle. It’s a nice change of pace. Before the Eliza Dushku that lasted for mere hours, my wallpaper was of the great one…

Not Wayne Gretsky; that’s just creepy. I’m talking about Sarah Michelle Gellar. I had that wallpaper for nearly a year after my bitter divorce from Anna K. SMG was married a few weeks ago to a certain teen idol that shall remain nameless, and I was obviously compelled to change wallpapers in response to her transgression. Sorry, babe, I’ve moved on. Your wallpaper is old news. It served me well for a while, but like all things, it was destined to come to an end.

Well, kids, the moral of the story is that the Internet is a dangerous place. Watch out for pop-ups; they’ll annoy the shit out of you. Don’t become too attached to your wallpapers, for it can only lead to heartbreak. And, most importantly, Canadians are cool and so is hockey. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.