By Ryan Parker
If you’re new to the column this week, I welcome you with a warm embrace; it’s always great to have new readers. You new folks don’t know, like my loyal readers, that I have a passion for sports. I love football, basketball, hockey, and to a lesser degree, baseball. When you reach a certain age, sports become infinitely more interesting when you wager something on the outcome.
The greatest of care must be taken when placing a bet, however. There can be severe consequences from a misplaced bet, so I have several pointers for all of you new to the world of gambling. First, NEVER bet with a girl. They are not to be trusted; they ALWAYS win. I think it’s because they don’t really care if they win, and they can upset the balance of the universe as a result. After all, the fate of the universe is a temptation that very few can resist.
Second, NEVER place a bet when you are fairly unsure of the result. Take a hockey game, for example. Random occurrences like holes in the net and kicked pucks can change the outcome of a game. NEVER bet on your favorite team either. The emotional investment in the team and the investment in the bet itself are too much to risk on a mere sporting event.
But the most important and most oft-made gambling mistake is the terms of the bet. ALWAYS bet in American currency. Canadian money is worth much less. Just trust me on this one. I know most of you out there will want to draw up zany terms when you place your bet, perhaps that the loser must wear his underwear on his head for a day. DO NOT make zany bets. The payoff is definitely not worth the risk in this case; unless, of course, you’re a freak, and you like to wear underwear on your head. If you are a freak, just don’t make bets, period; it’s much safer for yourself and those around you.
And now, for those of you who have chosen not to heed my warning, I shall recount to you the tale of a young man who broke every one of my gambling rules. His first mistake was to bet with a woman. Don’t misunderstand; women are great, as I’m sure you know if you read my column two weeks ago. However, women are inherently evil and probably psychic, too. She must’ve known that this young man would lose the bet.
So this young man and woman start talking about sports, and the guy blabbers on about his favorite teams and such. His Toronto Maple Leafs can do no wrong; they are quite simply the greatest hockey team ever.
Plus, they were playing the intra-provincial rival, the Ottawa Senators, who are probably a superior team in reality. It gets better. The terms of the bet were that whoever lost had to wear angel wings for a day around campus.
This guy is a moron for making this bet. The risks greatly outweighed the benefits, and his favorite team was not favored to win. I guess he thought he was being clever or cute or something, but he was sadly mistaken.
I think you can see where this is headed. Senators 2, Maple Leafs 1. Eddie the Eagle let me… I mean, this guy, down. Now, there are always ways of getting off the hook, but there must be alternative methods of payment… besides the angel wings.
I have no ideas how to help my FRIEND get off the hook here, so if any of you do, please email me so I can forward the suggestions to him. Oh, and if you ever see a guy wearing angel wings, just give him a pat on the back and say, “My friend, gambling is a dangerous thing.”
