By Ryan Parker
Dude, where’s my flying car?
Well, we’re merely months away from 2003, and I have yet to even see a flying car. 2000, that was the year we were supposed to get flying cars, hover-boards, cures for all major diseases, and world peace. Now, I realize it’s unrealistic to ever expect the latter two to happen, but what’s so difficult about making a flying car? They did it in Back to the Future. They did it in The Fifth Element. Now it’s time to do it for real.
Damn the automobile industry and their bonehead engineers. You really would think that after a century of producing faster and more efficient cars and planes, we could sort of combine to two. Sure, they’d probably be gas-guzzlers at first, but for all you war hawks out there, I’d support conquering every oil well on the planet if I could get a flying car out of it.
Think of how sweet it would be to just fly. Remember when you were four years old and donned your cape as you leaped off the couch in a feeble attempt to fly? Actually, I’m somewhat afraid of heights, and I’ve never even flown in a plane or helicopter before. Nevertheless, when I’m promised something, I get it. That’s the American way, damn it. When we want something, we get it.
Except legalized marijuana. Damn feds. But, getting back to the cars, we wouldn’t even need to destroy the roads we’re currently using. In my vision, people can drive and fly side-by-side on or slightly above conventional road. And in the case of traffic, the flying ones can get the hell out of it while the poor saps stuck in conventional cars are twiddling their thumbs as the mile-long trail of cars ahead of them moves at the pace of a retarded snail.
We were treated to an exciting new invention earlier this year, however. Referred to for several years as “IT” or “Ginger,” this new “ground-breaking” technology was supposed to revolutionize transportation as we knew it. Instead, we got the Segway scooter. A scooter, man! It doesn’t even fly. All it does is let you go up stairs and not fall off. The guy who invented it was a friggin’ genius. He saw what no one else saw: months of jokes for television. All he had to do was invent a scooter that could balance weight and he would fulfill his dream of being in the spotlight for days, in the form of the end of countless jokes.
While we’re on the topic of television ratings, think of the car chases and how much more exciting they would be dozens or hundreds of feet in the air! You could even outfit the back of your car with a gun turret to fend off terrorists and wandering ruffian gangs and the like. You could add fins for aerodynamics and coolness factor, and possibly a racing stripe. The Price is Right would definitely have to update their prizes if we ever got some flying cars, I can tell you that. Eat your heart out, Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker has flying cars.
I really don’t have much more to say about flying cars. There aren’t really any current events to comment about this week except the seemingly inevitable war on Iraq. But I can tell you that if we possessed flying car capabilities, the war would be over in no time. No one messes with flying cars with fitted with turrets and missiles and such. No one. Man, I want a flying car.
