By Claire Parsons
Snow White and the seven ninjas
For pure entertainment value, what can be added to any film or television show and improve it without fail? To answer the question and simultaneously state the obvious: ninjas. Of course it’s ninjas. Ninjas are fast, silent, deadly, and completely badass. They can kill whomever they want whenever they want, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them.
Ninjas, to put it very simply, rule. Thankfully, the film industry has begun to take notice of this overwhelmingly obvious fact. Disney, an entertainment juggernaut known for its fine family films, has brokered a deal with the choreographer of “The Matrix” and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” to make a live action version of its classic animated feature “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” All you film purists out there who are now foaming at the mouth need to take a deep breath and consider the greatness of this idea. I don’t usually defend gargantuan multinational corporations such as Disney, but if it means I’ll get to see Snow White judo chop her bitch stepmother, I’ll make an exception.
Perhaps the addition of ninjas to the normal “Snow White” is distorting a fairy tale. So what? Was the fairy tale really that good to begin with? No, it was boring and completely illogical. Snow White’s stepmom wanted to kill her because she was prettier. Makes perfect sense. Snow White responds to this not by getting a restraining order or throwing the old hag in jail, but by running off to the forest to frolic with a bunch of cute and fuzzy animals. Do you see where I’m leading? The story is crap, and only the sweetness of ninjas can save it. Disney had no other way to redeem the sins of the past.
Admittedly, the loss of the dwarves is a little upsetting at first. But who really wants Sleepy, Dopey, and Bashful when you could have Stealthy, Speedy, and Deadly? Also, no ninjas are going to complain about their portrayal being politically correct in the movie. If ninjas get pissed about something, they don’t hire a lawyer and head to court. Ninjas just grab their nun chucks and kill stuff. Ninjas are volatile and dangerous, but at least they aren’t annoyingly oversensitive and don’t raise frivolous lawsuits.
If others could learn from the example Disney has set, the world would be a lot less complicated. When in doubt, add ninjas. We seem to be having some trouble with a little country called Iraq now. Our President has been trying to sell Congress and the American public on the idea that we should attack Iraq and just get it over with. To say the least, Dubya has met a lot of opposition to his plan. Why? His plan to topple Saddam’s rule in Iraq makes no mention of ninjas. Duh, no wonder he can’t find support. I think our meddling with Iraq is an insanely idiotic idea, but if President Bush were to add ninjas to his proposal, I might consider changing my mind. I’m sure many of you feel the same.
Still searching for a point to this article? Foolish mortal, you should have discovered it by now. Ninjas make everything better. Ask any question and the answer is ninjas. How do we solve the parking problem on campus? Ninjas. What can we do to stop the clearing of the rain forest? Call for ninjas. What is the meaning of life? Ask ninjas. Who really killed John F. Kennedy? Ninjas (but they were probably Communist or in the Mafia). How can we keep Claire Parsons from writing more pointless and stupid articles? Ninjas.
