Things I could live without

By Johnny Fontaine

Things I could live without

WARNING! This column is NOT a summer rerun…

Have you ever had those moments where you’re in awe of life’s tableau and said to yourself, “Self, could I possibly live without this?” Well, I finally figured out why all the old school geeks walked around with those pens and notepads in their shirt pockets (and why New Age cybergeeks walk around with their Palm Pilots). It’s to make the inevitable list of things one could live without. Here’s my hot summer list of life realities that should summarily cease to exist:

1. I would’ve started this list by saying I could live without John Shumaker as U of L President–but I am, so I won’t.

2. That dude in those Verizon Wireless TV ads going around saying, “Can you hear me now? Good!” The last ad I saw him in he was riding a jackass across the desert…I had trouble discerning the actor from the animal.

3. Seeing people ride around slouched back in the driver’s seat of their car as if they were a gangsta or possibly a hip-hop recording star. I see equal amounts of black and white drivers doing this, so please don’t label me a racist or a profiler. It looks retarded–stop it immediately.

4. Paying baseball players an average salary of over $2 million dollars a year while the normal schmoe American brings home $31,000. I could do without ridiculously priced athletes and movie stars in general. My reasoning behind this is why, if they are paid so much, do so many teams finish out of first place and so many Hollywood movies suck?

5. September 11, 2001. And while I’m at it, all the people blaming everything on September 11th. Next thing we’ll be hearing is that Britney Spears’ breast expansion/reduction is due to 9-11.

6. I could personally live without all of network television except ABC’s “Alias.” Jennifer Garner plays spy babe Sydney Bristow like Miles Davis played the horn…sweet, sexy and oh-so-bad. I don’t have cable: I’m poor, I work for the University.

7. All the noise from car stereos in my Old Louisville neighborhood. Maybe if they were blaring old Frank Sinatra or perhaps early 80’s Journey, I could live with it…but all this (c)rap music is giving me reflux. While I’m on the subject, I can live without all those asinine commercials for the “little Purple Pill” and people climbing through caves and over mountains to represent the freedom from acid reflux disorder.

8. On the subject of commercials: I could surely live without WHAS-11 TV narcissistically promoting themselves during their broadcast day, time after time, commercial after commercial, especially during their news shows. Finishing up my commercial angst: I could live without Barry White- related ads (I’ve stopped eating at Arby’s because of him), as well as all those Viagra commercials. People whining about how bad Wall Street and the stock market are doing. Hello? Do the words “risk” and “financial gamble” mean anything? You’d have just as much luck giving a $20 bill to some crack whore and asking her to go hook up with the dude Jared slimming down at Subway and bring you back a foot-long and your change.

9. This could go on forever. I could live without a lot of things, but that’s life.