By Katie Walker
All right, this is (sniff sniff) the last issue of The Louisville Cardinal this year. So, for you horny freaks out there, that also means this is the last installment of my spectacular sex column! So, today I offer a DOUBLE column! Yes, that’s right, it’s twice the sex, twice the dating, twice the sleazy fun!
First, we need to finish our handy-dandy dating guide. Today’s topic: Sexual Etiquette. You decide that on your next date, you’re gonna “make your move.” What exactly do you do? Well, the Boy Scouts got it right on this one: always be prepared. Bring some condoms, dammit! I don’t care if you like them or not; unless you’ve discussed it already, odds are you can’t be too certain how your potential partner feels about them. And even if you don’t end up using them, offering protection will show you’re health conscious and concerned with safety.
The best suggestion I can give in regards to sexual etiquette is just use common sense. In this crazy world we live in, most people actually feel more comfortable divulging their sexual fantasies rather than discussing what they’d actually like in bed. The reason: a fantasy is just that- a fantasy. It’s one of those things we all figure won’t actually come true. Everyone has some kinky secrets, so it’s no big deal sharing them, right? But when it comes to telling your partner that you want him/her to ________, people clam up. Remember, nothing should be done without mutual consent, but, on the other hand, the finding-out-process is half the fun. Just start slow.
Another thing that, believe it or not, some people just can’t understand is that your partner does not “owe you” sex. I don’t care how hot you are or how wonderful the dinner was that you cooked. Sometimes, when she invites you in for coffee, it truly is an invitation for coffee- not sex.
Once again, I can’t stress personal hygiene enough. If you plan on knocking boots with someone, please please please shower, and also shave the appropriate areas (Note: Do not think I’m inferring bikini lines and such here. All I’m saying is that I’m pretty sure EVERYONE prefers silky smooth to stubbly.) Maybe your date consisted of a really physical activity, and you feel kind of gritty afterward. There’s nothing wrong with excusing yourself to the shower. Maybe you could even ask your date to join you. It’s a great way to break the sexual ice and get squeaky clean in the process.
And just because Mr. Man doesn’t invite you to join him for a little sudsy action, don’t freak out and think he’s not interested. Maybe he’s just not ready for that yet. Remember that scene in Sea of Love, when Ellen Barkin goes into the shower and Al Pacino is freaking out in her bedroom, trying to figure out what to do? Hopefully, you’ll be calmer than that. One important rule: keep the “toys” out of sight, even if their use has been discussed in previous conversation. Your first time together should not be a replay of Arma-get-it-on.
Well, I’m not really sure what else to say here. I’ve given you tips on getting a date, dealing with rejection, where to go on a date, how to let someone know you enjoyed their company, and now, sexual etiquette. If there’s anything I’ve left out, please email me and let me know: cardinal_sexpert@hotmail.com
Now, onto the nitty-gritty. I figured that since this is potentially the last edition of Cardinal sins, I could afford to be pretty random. Here are some ruminations on behalf of yours truly, along with some sex Q&A and various other things I threw in.
It’s no big secret that guys like to check girls out… a lot… and not very discreetly, either. Sometimes, if the guy is hot, it’s not so bothersome that he’s checking out your ass-ets every few minutes. Believe it or not, fellas, girls ogle too. One of my guy friends asked me the other day how often women check out men’s packages. “All the time!” I told him. Your members get checked out more often than library books. The secret is that women are super discreet, and therefore, guys hardly notice. But rest assured: your tool has been checked out.
From one curious sexpert subscriber: “Do guys wake up with hard-ons every morning?” Okay, first of all, I am just a lowly Cardinal staffer, not some kinky Kama Sutra Cosmo critic. Secondly, I’m a female, in case you don’t read the byline. I’m not 154% knowledgeable about questions like this that pertain to guys. From what I know, it’s not every morning, but certainly enough to merit an honorable mention.
All right, kids, onto the school bus, because we’re about to take a trip to a place called Every Man’s Fantasy. As you can probably imagine, this little field trip involves some conversation about multiple partners. I know, I know: not ALL guys (just the straight ones) want two girls at the same time. The biggest problem most of them face is asking their significant others if it’s all right to invite someone into the bedroom. Here’s my suggestion: “Uh, honey, I’ve been thinking. Our sex life sucks. You don’t do it for me anymore. How about you and your HOT friend do me at the same time?” It doesn’t matter what you say, because it’s all going to be mindless stupidity that comes out faster than bad diarrhea.
You know that commercial on TV with the poolside Penthouse “pet”, who informs you that all women are unsatisfied with the size of their man’s penis? Then she tries to sell you penis-enlarging pills? Crap! I have NEVER sat around with my friends, discussing how small/large our significant others’ members are. Truly, guys, we don’t care, as long as the damn thing works. It’s quite simple: insert Tab A into Slot B and voila!
Last, but certainly not least, a nice fringe benefit of sex that a lot of people are not privy to: it can cure headaches. So all those nights when she turned to you and said, ” Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.” all you had to do was inform her that sex can be a pain reliever. Truthfully! The hormone oxytocin is secreted into your circulatory system whenever you engage in sexual activity. Because of this secretion, endorphins (“pleasure hormones”, so to speak) are released. Studies have shown that increases in oxytocin and endorphin levels can relieve pain: everything from headaches, to cramps, to overall body aches can be cured by a quick roll in the hay.
Well, kids, it sure as been freaky. I’m sorry to see this school year end, as I would very much like to continue the fun. Remember, you can always email me at cardinal_sexpert@hotmail.com with your personal sex requests. Maybe I’ll compose a column just for you! So, to all those graduating and moving on to bigger and better things: go get some! To those of you still in school (like me), who have to suffer through at least one more year: go get some! And to those of you who graduated a long time ago, but couldn’t tear yourselves away from educational institutions, and so became instructors/professors/deans/whatever: go get some! I raise my glass to all of you. Happy romping!
