By Sara Choate–
Q: My boyfriend has a bigger sex drive than I do, and I find myself having sex with him even when I don’t want to. I don’t like doing this, but I’m not sure how to tell him I just don’t want to without hurting his feelings. What do I do?
A: It’s perfectly natural and OK for you to have different levels of desire than your partner for a variety of reasons. It can get a bit challenging to traverse this sexual plane in a way that both affirms your needs while also meeting him where he is. Such is the true nature of compromise in a relationship. Above all else, it is important to be honest about how you feel and what you want (and don’t want) so the relationship is equitable for both you and your partner. Remember, just because he’s in the mood doesn’t mean you have to be. While many people may rely on non-verbal cues to express their disinterest, I encourage you to practice a combination of assertiveness with an offering of alternatives. For example, here’s a good sentence starter: “I’m not interested in having sex right now, but I’m open to x, y or z.” Alternate options can include watching him masturbate, touching yourself or enticing him while he masturbates, watching mutually-agreed upon porn, talking dirty, massage and on and on. You are only limited by your imagination. If you don’t want to do any of these things, it’s also alright for you to simply tell him you’re not into it, and offer other non-sexual options that you could do together.
If he reacts negatively to your not wanting to have sex, and/or is not open to the suggestions you have offered, that’s on him. How he chooses to act and react is his decision, and it is not your responsibility to alter your path or do something that does not feel right to you simply to appease him or his needs. I give you permission to assert yourself in ways that are fair and loving, both to your partner and especially to yourself.
Sara Choate is a sexual health expert at U of L’s Health Promotion. Got sex questions? Email them to [email protected]
