By Erin Reidel
“Nice guys finish last”: we’ve all heard this before, and it seems that in no arena is it truer than in dating. It’s a pretty common cultural perception that women flock to guys who are jerks, while the kind, considerate men find themselves with lots of girl friends and no girlfriend. What’s the story behind this?
I’ve recently been horrified to realize that when I date really nice, wonderful guys, guys who treat me respectfully and really like me, I feel no chemistry. None. Zip. I find myself wishing they were gay so they could be my best friends without any messy unrequited feelings.
After yet another date like this, I started talking about it with my friends, wondering aloud if there was something seriously wrong with me, whether I needed therapy, if I would ever be able to have a normal, healthy relationship.
And what my friends said astounded me. Woman after woman – educated women, feminist women, women with empowerment practically dripping from their pores – knew exactly what I meant.
These women, successful in so many other ways, were baffled by their profound attraction to men who treated them with utter disrespect.
Of course, I’d witnessed friends in these sorts of relationships since high school. That was nothing new. What really struck me was the fact that these women found their own behavior irrational and yet were puzzled as to how to correct it. How, after all, can you force yourself to be attracted to someone if you just … aren’t?
Fortunately, some other friends were able to provide me with a little insight. Mike, a 32-year-old self-described “former nice guy” who is now engaged to the woman of his dreams, comforted me when I expressed my inexplicable desire for bad boys.
“You are not attracted to jerks,” he assured me. “You are attracted to confidence. Self-assurance. Strength. Jerks tend to project these things, but when you peel back the layers it’s all bravado.”
Angela, a 25-year-old newlywed, had this to say on the topic: “I was at many times a serial jerk-dater, mostly because it was exciting and dramatic and I had something I thought was special. … When I met [my husband] his niceness scared me and I worried very often that I was not attracted to him enough. I worried that it would die off. But I did not play to those worries or insecurities; I let the road take me where it wanted to take me. It was not long before I grew a deep-rooted passion for him, something that made his touch the sweetest I had ever known.”
Jerome, a 37-year-old single guy, agreed with Angela.
“Ignore those doubts and give him sufficient time to grow on you,” he said, paraphrasing what yet another friend who’d found nice-guy happiness had said on the issue.
Taking all of these ideas into account, I’ve begun to figure out exactly what the problem is. In my next column I’ll present to you the Fatal Flaws of the Nice Guy, along with some tips on how nice guys can go from best friend to boyfriend, and how girls can rev up their desire for guys who won’t treat them like dirt.
