By Chris Cox
The greatest misconception about horse racing is that it stillabides by the adage “the sport of kings.” Anyone whohas even seen a picture or heard a firsthand account of Derbyinfield antics knows the days of monocles and socialitesencompassing the bulk of the Derby crowd are far-gone.
Like Mardi Gras and New Year’s Eve, the initial spirit ofthe events has given way to rampant drunkenness, lewd sexualbehavior, and a celebration of behavior that would make Maximproud. However, the costly nature of the Derby infield is a bit ofa hindrance. As if the entry fee of roughly $50 wasn’tenough, alcohol prices are set to far outpace inflation, and evenattempting to smuggle in liquor (if willing to attempt, the bestbet is a Ziploc bag of rum taped to the leg) can rank as nearterrorist fare.
Sure, it’s a good time, but the great misnomer is thatdebauchery and misogyny are limited to the raceway on Derby day.Any college student should know better, but for the daft anddownright clueless, here are some cheap ways to celebrate theDerby, without sacrificing the hazy rendering of booze andflesh.
“Do not pass go, do not collect $200, but take a shot ofrum:”
It’s a safe bet that every house and apartment contains atleast one Monopoly board game. What better way to tap into theupper-class-meets-college-crowd atmosphere of the Derby than bybastardizing yet another homage to the rich than to play Monopolywith liquor and stripping? A hotshot frat boy just pulled up toyour hotel on Baltic. Ave? Off with his pants. Some blonde babewants a “get out of jail free” card? Antae up a shirt,girlie.
Then there’s the obvious alcoholic potential: taking ashot for every space moved, paying rent with beer, and keg standsfor the bankrupt. What better chance to foreclose on yourproperties than with undergarments and top-shelf liquor? If onlyreal banks were so understanding.
“Ten to one odds on the guy peeing in the fern:”
Understand that this whole Derby thing IS replicable. Why forkover your money to the infield gatekeeper when the race itself canbe brought to the home in all its sinful glory? The betting at therace track may be more organized, but booking operations out of theback bedroom are not only a crash course in business (or organizedcrime) but can teach fundamentals of race horsing such as payouts,loan sharking, racketeering, and embezzlement.
Okay, so maybe you won’t learn the dynamic of horse racingthat way, but there’s really not much to crack aside fromass-whipping and rein pulling. If the bookie business seemssuccessful, consider setting up complementing businesses such as abar and burlesque. Old men with money to spend on race horsing arealso fond of Tom Collins and lacy garters.
A saloon style tribute to the Derby will ensure that you notonly spare yourself the financial gutting of the racetrack, butthat you will also hose friends out of their cash. Just remember -wives and children may not be accepted as collateral.
“Spoken like a true Louisville native:”
For those literary types, the Derby may involve nothing morethan curling up with a good book; or a first-person journalisticaccount of Louisville’s wildest son set loose on Derby day.Hunter S. Thompson, born and bred here in Louisville, documents hisexperience at the track, complete with typical “gonzo”antics.
“The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved” is oneof the many accounts in which Thompson uses a sporting event to ripthrough a quart of hard liquor and further his already accelerateddrug infatuation.
The article details Thompson accompanying artist and friendRalph Steadman as they become blissfully drunk on mint juleps,ingest horrible food, and terrorize track patrons. Fans ofThompson, as well as curious and Derby-minded others, will revel inthe antisocial misdoings that have become a staple of Derbyculture.
Like Thompson though, the experience is best felt through thehazy scope of alcohol-induced euphoria. A handle of top-shelftequila and a saltshaker full of that “other” whitesubstance are prime material for gripping the Thompson Derbyexperience. Amyls and hollowed-out grapefruits are optional.
So who will win this year’s Derby? If that question can beanswered with sound reason and logical thought, then that personisn’t meant to ingest the previously stated ideas. They willbe tucked safely into their box seat, sipping mint julep andcautiously wondering what will happen if that debouched group ofrebel-rousers invades the grandstands.
So rather than risk class warfare, keep a safe distance from theDerby grounds, and contain the atrocious behavior to where itbelongs: your own personal world of crudeness and sleaze.
