The dark side of the Transformers: more than meets the eye

By Joe Elliott

The dark side of the Transformers: more than meets the eye

After a long and bitter struggle for control of Energon cubes on their home planet of Cybertron between the Autobots and Decepticons, the Autobots fled the dying planet only to be engaged by the Decepticons. Gasp! Their ships, having sustained significant damage, are unable to journey to their intended destination and a crash landing on the humble planet of Earth is their only recourse. The Autobots have taken a turn for the worse. Broken by the force of the impact, the Autobots’ final chance, their ray of hope in the flaming wreckage of their once proud ship, is the ship itself. Sigh of relief. Gathering data about its surroundings, the ship reconstructs the Autobots to transform into various things it finds (i.e. planes, trains, and automobiles).

The next morning, the Autobots awake only to realize their very nature has changed. I can only imagine their disappointment. One day you are able to transform into some kind of sweet ass high tech hover car; The next day, you have to settle for a VW Beetle. It must have been difficult to face the Decepticons in such a humbled state. A yellow Beetle named “Bumblebee” wouldn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of your enemies, and especially if your enemies were giant robots capable of transforming into F-15’s.

However the embarrassment that Bumblebee felt the first time he transformed could certainly not have been the greatest of all of the Autobots. In my opinion he was probably lucky to get a car. The chaos that ensued the first time they all transformed was, without a doubt, quite a spectacle.

Optimus Prime: “Autobots, Let’s Roll out!”

Optimus Prime: (Phew…I’m a semi truck.)

John-Grisham-Novel-A-Tron: “Uh…I appear to be a John Grisham Novel. Hmm…maybe you could…uh…read me to the Decepticons or something. Ya know, put them to sleep…or whatever.” (I can’t believe I transform into a freakin’ book. This blows.)

Starbucks-Lovin-Yuppie-O-Mech: “Did someone say John Grisham?”

One can only assume that the reason we never see these pathetic Transformers is because they committed mass suicide shortly after realizing they were going to spend the rest of their lives transforming into box fans. I imagine that as a Walkman, SoundWave suffered from deep depression.

How should one react in the face of this tragedy? I’m sure their are a plethora of responses to the thought of mass Autobot suicide. Ranging from denial (Say it ain’t so) to fear (What if I’m resurrected as a deck of Magic Cards? I’ll be fondled by dorks the rest of my life. Gasp!) to acceptance (If I must come back as a pair of tube socks. I’m going to be the best damn tube socks that anyone ever wore.), we all have to come to a very personal decision about how we want to face this gravest of human concerns. Perhaps you’ll reach the conclusion, only after talking with a support group of family and close friends, that you don’t wish to be resuscitated as a giant transforming robot. A bold move, and certainly one that takes commitment, but perhaps in the end you’ll just have to go through less suffering. One has to wonder what the quality of life is for a pair of tube socks.

In the face of this shocking revelation, this particular human being has his own answer for possible Transformer resurrection. By simply including in my will the list of various items that would be acceptable to transform into, I keep my postmortem reconstructors from playing the guessing game.

As we all hurtle toward the void of the unknown we face uncertainties and questions that only those that have passed before us can honestly answer. Thankfully, this opinion columnist is confident in the answer to at least one of these questions. I urge you to find peace in this world as well, and include a concise, legible list of various vehicles, household cleansers, and kitchen utensils that you would be comfortable with transforming into in the next life.

I would like to dedicate this article to that guy working the desk in Threkheld who had a copy of the Transformers movie. The mere sight of that classic work of film inspired this article.