By Jordan Carroll
“They worshipped, so they said, the Great Old Ones who lived ages before there were any men, and who came to the young world out of the sky. Those Old Ones were gone now, inside the earth and under the sea; but their dead bodies had told their secrets in dreams to the first men, who formed a cult which had never died.”
“Call of Cthulhu” by HP Lovecraft
I have done some thinking lately, and I have decided to look at the “humanity problem” from a more non-Euclidean angle. The fact of the matter is that mankind has failed on several levels, and control of the world will inevitably be handed over to someone else’s hands (or tentacles, as it were). For the past century, we have been diligently working towards restoring the world to a pristine, pre-Cambrian age. Current figures show that a thousand of our useless, modern species become extinct per day. About an acre of rainforest- the same rainforest that continues to pump oxygen into the atmosphere, thwarting our efforts- is destroyed every second. Still, it isn’t going quickly enough. Even with holes in the ozone and the greenhouse effect, we won’t reduce the world to a frothing, carbon dioxide-rich inferno for decades, or perhaps even a century! As William S. Burroughs has pointed out, our methods, particularly nuclear destruction, have been inadequate.
We atomic children should step aside, then, and allow a new species to handle the restoration of previous eons. In particular, I believe that none other than the Great Cthulhu would be adequate for this job. Cthulhu, a monstrous god dwelling beneath the Pacific Ocean in his sunken land of R’lyeh, has been working for some time on the recrudescence of the glorious age. He’s a regular kind of guy. He’s green, bigger than a mountain, and graced with a rubbery beard of tentacles. Great Cthulhu came to this world from the stars long ago during more exalted times. He knows what the earth once was and, as such, I believe he can restore the past glories of the world. Only Cthulhu can wipe the world clean of the pestilence of this age.
Many have pointed out that George W. Bush has done a decent job in destroying the environment. I disagree. He was moving in the right direction when he refused the Kyoto Protocol and in his plans for drilling for oil in Alaska. Those were valiant efforts, indeed. He needs to learn to cooperate with other factions. There’s no point in squabbling when there are still lands left to clean. Yes, the oncoming war he plans works towards global purification, but it’s all so crude. There would be such a mess to clean up afterwards. Cthulhu is far better equipped to extinguish this pesky human civilization.
A few cowardly souls have even expressed hesitation. They aren’t quite married to our blasphemous cause. They don’t realize how great the end of this world will truly be and, as such, they have a few reservations. Maybe, they think, things can keep going as they are. Maybe earthly organic life isn’t such a bad thing. Cthulhu, of course, would quash such mutterings in an instant. Even the least of his servitors, the Deep Ones who dwell beneath the waves, aren’t so wishy-washy about things! We would do well, then, to put him back in power.
Cthulhu doesn’t dally around with high-emission SUV vehicles. Cthulhu doesn’t focus on a single nation or ethnic group when HE goes to war. Cthulhu is direct and to the point: he will devour anyone and anything. When he rises, a wonderful age of hedonism will begin. He will teach us new things, arts from beyond the outer rim. He will show us new, unspeakable ways to enjoy ourselves. Once we raise glorious Cthulhu from the depths, our humanity problem will be solved. Within a year after Cthulhu’s resurrection, we will see 100% human, plant, AND animal extinction. That’s a promise. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn! Ia! Ia!
