By
Despite Kentucky’s erratic weather, by the time March rolls around there is usually an abundance of parkas, scarves, gloves, and hats to be found in your local apparel stores.
However, this spring seems to have brought with it a great demand for warm winter clothing. Kentucky’s weather is, to say the least, schizophrenic, but the weather does not really require one to bundle up before leaving one’s respective abode. The run on winter clothing has not come from area residents.
Rather, this great need for warm clothes has come from a most unlikely population: the inhabitants of Hell.
Yes, my fellow students, Hell has frozen over. A recent report from the Weather Channel has said that it is now a nippy -11 degrees in the once balmy Pit of Fire and Pain. Satan has been reported as saying that the cold weather will in no way affect his ability to dispense retribution to evildoers, although he does admit that his methods of administering punishment and misery may be slightly altered.
The Prince of Darkness has also said that he regrets never having learned to ice skate, and is considering taking up lessons since he may never again have such an opportunity.
Meteorologists are shocked and amazed at Hell’s climactic reversal.
Some claim El Nino as the source of the strange weather, others say that perhaps Hell is entering an ice age, but some have an alternate solution.
A group of experts in the fields of meteorology, political science, and theology have come up with a shocking theory. This brain trust has attributed Hell’s icy weather to the recent passage of the McCain-Feingold bill by the United States Senate.
Not only did the bill pass the Senate with a vote of 60-40, but also, President Bush has said he intended to sign it. A premise such as effective campaign finance reform is shocking, and experts say that it would be enough to have thrown Hell into an indeterminable winter.
However, some scientists are quick to find fault with such a theory.
Opponents point out that a law suit has already been raised against the bill and will most likely appear before the Supreme Court soon.
The skeptics claim that even the surprising passage of McCain-Feingold could have been countered by the incredibly predictable actions of Mitch McConnell to try to reverse it.
Staying power seems to be the question associated with both winter in Hell and the McCain-Feingold bill. Both have the odds against them. McCain-Feingold faces a conservative court, and Satan’s winter wonderland faces a history of unbearable heat that dates back to the dawn of time. The only option for us is to sit and wait for the results.
Perhaps Hell will go back to normal and McCain-Feingold will be found unconstitutional before it ever had the opportunity to govern an election, but maybe we’ll be surprised yet again. Maybe a conservative court will rule against the interests of big business. Hey, it could happen.
McCain-Feingold is only a first step in the necessary battle over American campaign finance.
It has a good chance of getting shot down in court, but that will not end the debate.
Even if the bill is overturned, the attempt has not been in vain. It has proven that campaign finance reform has much more support in America than was previously thought.
If nothing else McCain-Feingold has given Satan the opportunity to dress in a sequin unitard and glide upon the newly frozen river Styx.
Claire Parsons is a freshman
English major and columnist for
The Cardinal.Contact: [email protected].
