By Alycia Smith

While making regular trips to the local mall, I discovered a horrific new piece of information, and I felt it pertinent to warn people.

Females have now found it necessary to smell like fruit. I felt that this truth needed to be brought to the attention of the public. I was lucky to catch the trend in progress as it moved past me in waves of various tropical scents of kiwi; though I was not intelligent enough, as it seemed, to understand exactly why it is that my female peers find it necessary to bathe in apple-cinnamon before leaving the house. The idea of smelling like a fruit basket doesn’t appeal to me in the least; however, it does appeal to the crowds of women that I get trapped in every day. There had to be a reason.

I pondered this while I made my way past one source of my confusion: Bath and Body Works. On a whim, I stepped inside. What I found within only baffled me further.I never fully understood the bathing process before my trip inside this store. It had not even crossed my mind that not only does one need some sort of cleanser, be it soap or body wash, but it is also necessary that one has bath beads, bath crystals, bath salts, bubbles, exfoliating body scrubs, puff balls, and three different kinds of sponges. And that’s only when one is IN the bath. After one is properly cleaned in every respect, one must then have at least twelve lotions on hand to accurately moisturize each inch of the skin. Don’t even think about using the hand lotion on your face, or your body lotion on the rough spots on your elbow, for that is at the top of the “do not” list. Each section of one’s body has its own bottle of lotion. And here I was, just grabbing the cheapest Kroger brand and using it everywhere. Silly me.

Of course, each of these items Ð from the bath beads to the body wash to the lotions Ð has its own scent. I hadn’t realized until entering the world of Bath and Body Works the importance of always smelling like something other than soap. Obviously I lead a very sheltered life.

I made one mistake Ð one I would like to save readers from repeating Ð that was corrected quickly enough by a kindly checkout woman. Do not feel that you are limited in your choice of scents by your first selection. Just because you settle on the mixed citrus body wash doesn’t mean that you must then choose the mixed citrus bath beads or elbow lotion. On the contrary, it means that you actually should NOT coordinate the rest of your purchases to smell the same way. Keep in mind that the overall effect of this experience is to smell like as many different kinds of fruit as possible.

After my experience inside the fruit-scented mecca, I have to admit that while I was quite fragrant, I was no closer to understanding my gender’s obsession with smelling like something edible.

The point is not to understand why, but just to join the crowd. Jumping onto the bandwagon can be the most enjoyable experience of your life, even if you don’t know precisely where you are going, or why you are going there. I may never know the real reason why smelling like fruit salad has become such a necessity to most females, but perhaps I don’t need to. I will remain with the bulk of my generation. All will be right with the world, just as long as we stay away from the local swarms of short-tailed fruit bats.

Alycia Smith is a sophomore English major and a columnist for The Louisville Cardinal