By Jordan Carroll
Ever since I saw Conan the Barbarian brooding on his throne, muscles flexed, I’ve wondered, “Will we ever see a Barbarian in office?”
Picts, Cimmerians, and other Barbarian-Americans have long been grossly underrepresented in this country, but now they have a voice. A single man, Arnold Schwarzenegger, broke through the so-called “Thatched Ceiling.” That, folks, is something to rattle your claymores and beat your shields about. We can’t stop there though. That is why I endorse Dolph “He-Man” Lundgren for the Kentucky Gubernatorial elections in 2003.
Dolph Lundgren is what Kentucky needs. As a Master of the Universe, he learned a lot about life. He-Man spent years defending Eternia from terrorism.
He-Man wasn’t just your stereotypical Barbarian, either. Half the time, he governed as his alter-ego Prince Adam. He knows what it’s like to be “civilized” as well as Barbaric and that’s an important perspective for a Kentucky governor. Most importantly, though, He-Man had the power of Greyskull, and he wielded that power effectively. He would do the same as our governor.
Many think Dolph Lundgren isn’t the best Barbarian for the office. They claim that Marc “the Beastmaster” Singer or Kevin “Kull the Conqueror” Sorbo would do just as well.
But the Beastmaster’s career was woefully uneven. I think this is due, in part, to his divided focus. He was both a Ranger and a Barbarian, and we all know multi-class characters don’t do well in the long run.
As for Kull the Conqueror, he did rule by his axe, but his reign in Kentucky would be undercut by accusations of nepotism. After all, Kull was Conan the Barbarian’s ancestor. While I’d be glad to see any Barbarian in office, I think Dolph Lundgren is the man for the job.
There are some who feel Barbarians shouldn’t hold office because they can’t read. I disagree. Illiteracy is an incentive in any public position. In the past century, presidential speeches have dropped from a 12th to an 8th grade comprehension level. A truly progressive elected official should keep ahead of the trends. We need a governor who speaks only monosyllabic, Anglo-Saxon words in short sentences. Besides, reading only leads to softness and indulgences such as the Black Lotus or vile wizardry.
Others suggest that, at the slightest provocation, a Barbarian will grab his axe, paint his body blue, and, to the sound of drums and the ululations of his hundred wives, whip himself into a berserker rage.
In these times of terrorism, would you rather have a governor whose blood is as lukewarm water? Nay, a ruler should be a man of sinew and steel! Neither Ernie Fletcher nor Ben Chandler is willing to strip to their loin-clothes and take on al-Qaeda operatives in hand to hand combat. Dolph Lundgren certainly would.
In the end, though, political discourse means nothing to a true Barbarian candidate. We can be certain that the only debates shall be the sound of steel against steel and the only concession speeches screams of woe. Dolph Lundgren shall drive Kentucky’s enemies before him, hear the lamentations of their women, and reign upon a gubernatorial throne of skulls. That is what is best in life.?
Jordan Carroll is a junior majoring in English, and is a columnist for The Louisville Cardinal. Email him at [email protected].
