By Daniel Nelson
Dammit, this monitor is killing my eyes! I swear, I can’t use my computer for fifteen minutes without serious eyestrain and headaches. Is there something wrong with me, or do I need to adjust my monitor settings? I have fiddled with the contrast and brightness before and have tried to return them to their original, presumably optimal settings, but there is no “reset to default” option, so I may have goofed. Can you help me? If anyone reading this owns a Compaq FS740 monitor and knows the optimal settings for eyestrain reduction, please e-mail them to: Dmnelson123@hotmail.com.
This is a real working e-mail and I would love correspondence from any readers. This takes for granted the fact that I might actually have readers because, after all, no one really reads the newspaper anymore. The Internet and TV have virtually made printed words obsolete, given the large porn capabilities of the former and the passive qualities of the latter. In fact, you may be better off putting this paper down and watching 30 minutes of good high-quality American television instead. Have you seen that new “reality TV” show on Fox where the woman is handcuffed to the three single attractive males and an underfed Tennessee mountain grizzly bear? Hilarious! My TV doesn’t hurt my eyes, just my computer monitor, thank God!
Maybe I should just invest in a completely new monitor. If so, do you recommend a certain eyestrain-resistant brand? Does anyone know a way I can just hook up my computer to my TV set instead, like that WebTV service that no one bought except for my dad? Remember those TVs that let you see what was on the other stations in a little box in the corner? I could type on my computer and watch TV all on the same screen! If any reader is trying to sell one of those, please, let me know!
And while I’m at it, I have a few more questions. What the hell is BKM, and why do they hate the fraternities so much? Why am I required, as a freshman, to buy a $700 meal plan when there is no way I will ever spend $700 on food on campus? Does Rene Constanza really exist, and, if so, does she know that her name is written on the wall of the Unitus Tower men’s elevator in the following manner: “I love Rene Constanza”? Are you happy, Rene? Does anyone else find the Student Center layout odd? Did the architect think he was being “daring” and “modern” when he was actually being “annoying” and “inconvenient”? Why is the art building ironically the ugliest building on campus?
And why does the ATM next to Subway advertise itself as “No Charge” instead of “This machine won’t charge you, but your bank will deduct $1 from your checking account if you even approach it with your bank card on your person”?
If anyone wants to respond to these questions or any other questions that were cut from this article (available in the “limited edition writer’s cut” version), please write me at the aforementioned e-mail address. I will be sure to check my inbox periodically in short 5-minute eye straining intervals throughout the week.
Daniel Nelson is a freshman English major and a columnist for The Louisville Cardinal.
