By Erin Riedel
No matter how hot you are for your boyfriend or girlfriend, after a while, sex can get a little boring. The same routines, the same positions. … Sure, it’s still enjoyable, but maybe it’s not quite knocking your socks off anymore. If you find yourself wanting to spice things up a bit, allow me to suggest some kink.
I know what you’re probably thinking. The idea of kinky sex evokes images of a leather-clad dominatrix or that creepy gimp from “Pulp Fiction.” For people who have never experimented with it, kinky sex, in particular BDSM (bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism), can be a scary prospect.
But in practice, it’s something that can be a lot of fun, as well as a great way to build trust and intimacy in a relationship. You need only open your mind to the possibilities.
BDSM can be a complicated thing, and many books have been written about the various activities it encompasses. The one thing that all BDSM has in common is power exchange; one partner willingly gives up his or her power to the other for a specified period of time. What two people do in such a situation is as varied as the couples that engage in BDSM, but some common activities include being blindfolded, tied up, spanked and ordered around. The variations are endless, and one of the most fun things about BDSM is its creativity. The only thing you need to keep in mind is the guiding tenet of kinky sex: safe, sane and consensual.
Safety is always an issue when one person is putting another in charge of his or her well-being, even for a short amount of time. While you’re unlikely to do much damage by pulling someone across your knee for a spanking, something as innocent as being tied up with silk scarves can be dangerous if it restricts your circulation. There are many books and Web sites that can instruct you in proper technique. Check them out before you try anything that could be risky.
Staying sane is also very important. Sometimes it’s easy to get carried away when you’re in the throes of passion. The person in charge (often referred to as the dominant or top) must constantly monitor and communicate with the other person (the submissive or bottom) and make sure that things aren’t going too far. Most couples who engage in BDSM make use of a “safe word.”
A safe word is a predetermined word that can be used at any time by either party to stop the action immediately. Many people find it useful to use “red” to mean “stop” and “yellow” to mean “slow down.”
This leaves you free to resist and yell “No!” all you like, which is often part of the fun.
Consent is at the root of all BDSM play. Before engaging in anything kinky, couples should discuss what they’d like to try, what they’d be open to, and what they absolutely will not do. These boundaries must be respected, though it’s not uncommon for them to be renegotiated as people get more comfortable with kink.
Though the person in the submissive role is ostensibly powerless, that person is truly the one in control, because he or she ultimately decides what will be done and how far things will go.
Contrary to how it is often portrayed, BDSM can be a very tender and caring activity. What better way to build intimacy than to trust your partner with your well-being, or to be trusted with his or hers? It’s also a creative and adventurous way to add some excitement to your sex life.
Just follow the “safe, sane, and consensual” rule and start exploring!
Erin Riedel is a graduate student majoring in Women’s Studies and a staff writer for The Louisville Cardinal. E-mail her at volvita@livejournal.com.
