By Billy S. Garland
Every year around this time a few things happen: shopping malls become more and more packed with wide-eyed shoppers; children attempt to be on their best behavior, in hopes of securing their spot on old St. Nick’s nice list; and, without fail, the phenomenon of the ugly Christmas sweater rears its head.
We all know what these sweaters look like. They are incredibly hard to miss—loose cable-kit fabric with a misshapen reindeer emblazoned across the chest; some heartfelt message, like “Happy Holidays” or “Ho Ho Ho” stitched in just above the hem; and, of course, the reindeer has a bright red bedazzled nose. Oh, the beauty of such a thing is almost unthinkable. And yet, every year they show up out of nowhere, only to take over a large section of the local Walmart clothing department.
Where these loose-knit, Bill Cosby-esque, reindeer-adorned clothing options come from each year is a difficult question. I tend to be of the mindset that all of these sweaters that are currently in existence must have been made by the same blind tailor at some point in the early 20th century, and we still have yet to run out of them. Regardless, no Christmas would be totally complete without at least one slightly tipsy uncle showing up at Grandma’s house, wearing his traditional holiday attire.
Still, having old Uncle Steve show up in a sweater that looks like an elf blew up is the least of the Christmas sweater worries. Yearly, dreams of receiving the perfect gift at Grandma’s Christmas party are shattered as the one gift that doesn’t make any noise when you shake it is placed before one of the expectant and unsuspecting family members. You have a 50 percent chance in that situation that what lies past the fragile wrapping paper is a packet of tube socks. The other 50 percent, well, let’s just hope it fits.
And thus we arrive at another major piece of the ugly Christmas sweater debacle—they never seem to fit. Oh sure, Uncle Steve has been able to grow a substantial enough belly that now poor little Rudolf is somewhat stretched, but for some reason it seems that every time one of these atrocious things is given as a gift, it is always in the wrong size. It is like a one-size-fits-all situation, except in reverse. It is always amazing to try to figure out how in the world Grandma could ever think that you would fit into an adult large at age 12. Really, it doesn’t make much of a difference, because when the day is done you are still wearing an oversized sweater with baby Jesus on the front, and Santa on the back.
So as the days pass by and the pages blow off of the calendar, be weary of the season to come. Sure, it will bring many smiles to the faces of loved ones, and for a brief moment the world at hand will seem somewhat more peaceful. But it will also bring out the darker side of the Christmas tradition. If you are the proverbial Uncle Steve and you already have your sweater laid out, just hang it back up. Don’t be that guy. On the other hand, if you should happen to find yourself holding a present that doesn’t rattle when you shake it, just smile, close your eyes and repeat these words: “Oh grandma, I love it.”
