By Chaz Martin
The following article is a paid submission of the People United for Social Stability (P.U.S.S.). Chaz Martin is on special assignment in Siberia.
Students, faculty members, invited guests, uninvited stalkers: we all make up the University of Louisville’s intrepid community. We have created a haven of higher thought, an arena that might one day be likened to the Lower Fairdale Beauty School, or perhaps even Indiana University Southeast. However, there are those within this fertile environment of educational stimulation who would be ravagers of enlightenment, enemies of decency, and pariahs who exploit the innocence of freshmen by advocating a lifestyle of disinterested lawlessness. We must look at these denizens of depravity directly and burn their menu of apathetic appetizers and entrees of excess, serving them instead the just dessert of isolation. When one asks oneself what one would do if one found oneself in a fine University such as this one, one would find that one might answer one such question with one’s moral compass in one’s hand. One man who does not do so… is one Chaz Martin.
The said “writer,” if such a word could be used in his description, was unable to submit a column on time this week, do to his inability to concentrate on productive activity, as opposed to his repeated viewings of Mallrats and the 1997 Playmate calendar video. He attempted to assemble a column during his bartending shift at an undisclosed restaurant, but after scribbling nonsensical rants on cocktail napkins against Rick Pitino and his editor-in-chief, he inadvertently destroyed the diatribe by spilling a Bloody Mary over himself and the bar counter.
Today, the P.U.S.S. wishes to offset his negative influence by revealing the true consequences that are the result of class inattendance and general animosity towards this esteemed University. The aforementioned “writer” was enrolled in 16 hours of classes over this past summer semester. One of these courses was astronomy: a chance to understand the universe and the harmony that is the essence behind our very being, as each of us are indeed made up entirely of particles from bright, shining stars! Chaz Martin attended the class on five occasions: twice when it attended the planetarium, twice on test days, and of course, on the first day of class. On this occasion, instead of attentively listening to the professor repeatedly read his course syllabus, he leered at the sorority girl who was sitting to his right, and then dropped into unconsciousness.
Is this getting the most out of higher education? We think not. Additionally, he felt that the optimal way to learn the Spanish language was to get drunk and watch Univision. He did this roughly four hours every morning before he attended his nine AM Spanish class. The fact that his method seemed to be successful is of no matter. The upshot was his complete transformation into Fidel Castro. The victims who were unfortunately enrolled with him were forced to address Martin as “El Presidente.” Additionally, his consumption of tequila affected him well into his other courses, preventing his reversion back into English. Indeed, for several weeks, a history professor believed him to be an International student from Guatemala. Martin helped promote this misconception by eating Taco Bell throughout the class period and exclaiming “Ay Mi Cabeza!” at random intervals throughout.
This type of disregard for University standards may help to explain why Chaz Martin is enrolled in his third University in just over three years. We at P.U.S.S. have taken it upon ourselves to reflect the wishes of the student body’s silent majority. Yesterday evening, we sent representatives form the football team to escort him out of the city. Currently, he is engaged in perhaps the first productive work since he was kicked out of the cub scouts. He is assisting in the construction of the Trans-Siberian Mini-Mall: a chain of Wal-Marts and Home Depots that will stretch from Eastern Russia to the lower portion of Chili. If you ever come in contact with this sociopathic, degenerative sack of humanity, contact P.U.S.S., so that he can finally receive the knifing in a dark alley that he truly deserves. Thank you for your time. In the future, this column will be written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
Chaz Martin is a senior history major and a columnist for The Louisville Cardinal.
