By Simon Isham–
Like many a hopeful consumer, I was inclined to believe that the union negotiations in the Hostess strike would go favorably, and I would once again enjoy Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Mini Muffins and Donettes whenever I pleased. I had faith that the corporate system would sort itself out, and the good ol’ American brand would remain on shelves for years and years — however long those preservatives last.
On Nov. 21, Hostess Brands made it clear that there would be no settlement. Armed with that information, a shank and a swagger stick, I headed off to find the last Twinkie I’d ever eat, intending to purchase anything that was leftover and ready to fend off any Ho Hos happening to get in my way.
If Black Friday is the busiest shopping day all year for major retailers, the night before Thanksgiving is the busiest time for grocery, drug and convenience stores. Procrastinating consumers who have failed to make it to the store earlier in the week stop by on this night in a last-ditch effort to meet their holiday meal deadlines. If you’ve ever been to the store right before a major storm, it is a lot like that — only ten times worse, as bread, milk, bottled water and canned goods are not the only targets. On this night, everything is fair game.
I visited Wal-Mart, Walgreens, Kroger, Speedway and a tiny convenience store called Sav-a-Step Food Mart in Bullitt County, but to no avail. They had all pulled their Hostess stock weeks before — all except Sav-A-Step, that is. Although their supply was mostly depleted, they did have a single bag of Frosted Donettes. As of writing date, they still do.
Of course, Twinkies do still exist in purchasable quantities on sites like eBay and Amazon, but the best deal is, as of writing date, $50 including shipping and handling for a pack of 20. Unless your last name is Astor, Getty, Rothschild or Vanderbilt, this pricing scheme is probably a little too extravagant for you.
So in lieu of being able to provide information about where Joe or Jane Sixpack can get Twinkies, I have done some research into the next best thing: how you can make your own. They may not taste exactly the same, but how could they? Despite this, the Counterfeit Twinkie may well be healthier than the commercial original. See my prototypal recipe in the sidebar.
I’m not culinary creative enough to tell you how to get the whipped cream inside these “Twinkies,” but if you are, the Cardinal encourages you to submit your own ideas and recipes for Twinkies or any of the other discontinued Hostess snacks. Happy baking!
Photo courtesy Hostess