Thanksgiving with the family can be a stressful time. Political conversations can turn tense between gulps of cider while parents bring up sore spots from the past year. The Cardinal’s guide to holiday table talk is here to lend you a helping hand getting through the most difficult dinner of the year.
- Re-label the saltshaker “Dried Romney Tears.”
- Steal the thunder: Announce your parents’ divorce before they can.
- When Uncle Joe dives into his third helping of pumpkin pie, you can safely tell him about the half ounce of Marijuana that you mixed into the filling. Pro-tip: substitute Marijuana with Extacy.
- When asking your racist grandmother to pass the corn on the cob, take the opportunity to give her an update on the Pe’ Sla situation; she may yet be unaware that the most sacred Lakota site is still in danger of being privately auctioned off and turned into subdivisions.
- Demand an advance on your inheritance from your parents. At the first sign of resistance, threaten to put them in a nursing home.
- Announce your pregnancy and your conversion to communism at the same time by pointing to your womb periodically while referring to your fetus as Comrade and proclaiming it property of the state.
- “Sorry, everyone. I don’t have time to sit around with you and be thankful. I’ve got to get to Wal-Mart for Black Thursday and buy you people more useless stuff. Merry Christmas.”
- “Yeah, I’ve got to go too. Wal-Mart says I have to be there to sell it to him.”
- Give some shelter dogs a happy holiday by letting 10 or 15 of them roam your family’s home at will during the meal.
- When folks begin to retire to the living room for their annual food coma, wake them by running into the room and screaming, “Dude, it’s the cops. Flush it! I’m not going back!” and diving through the nearest open window.