By Austin Cooper
A person’s appearance can tell you a lot about his or her personality. A motorcycle jacket could reflect independence and an untamed spirit. The same person wearing no helmet might embody an untethered existence, a passion for the elements and a dark desire never to walk away from an accident. Our clothes, shoes, headgear and haircuts tell others a lot about us. Haircuts are an especially useful analytic tool in determining someone’s personality. A short no-nonsense buzz cut is a manifestation of the strict, disciplined attitude of military personnel. Mohawks are commonly associated with rebellious individuals and rockers. Long dreads can be indicative of people belonging to a peace-loving counterculture. It is important to realize, however, that assigning a personality to a person solely based on a haircut is both shallow and irresponsible. Indeed, one should never judge a book by its cover. Well, almost never. An exception to the rule, and an incredibly accurate indicator of personality, is the mullet.
Also known as a Kentucky waterfall, the mullet is a hairstyle that features a head with well-trimmed sides and top, but the hair on the back of the head is allowed to flow free and proud. Joe Dirt famously described it as “business in the front and party in the back.” Jared Allen, a notable mullet enthusiast and defensive end for the Minnesota Vikings, postulated that the mullet is not just a hairstyle – it is a lifestyle. However, it is a lifestyle that comes with stipulations for the wearer. One might say that with great hair comes great responsibility.
The mullet is such a strong indicator of personality that passersby can immediately and correctly make certain assumptions about the individual. For example, their favorite salad dressing is an all-beef patty, American cheese and a bun. The individual probably repeated third grade. Similarly, they only learned two Rs instead of all of the three Rs, and they were both “revenge.” The mullet-wearer enjoys light beer, Lynyrd Skynyrd and NASCAR, and his or her favorite flavor of ice cream is nicotine. Additionally, they believe that the most important election issue is gun rights, followed closely by legalization of moonshine. Mullet personalities can be defined using the three Ms: meat, man and the United States of ‘Merica. They make up for their lack of intellect with testosterone, smoked barbecue and rabid patriotism. According to CNN, Iran has outlawed mullets. The mere act of sporting one is basically the equivalent of waving a flag atop a red, white and blue hotdog factory.
As easy as it is to poke fun at these presumably illiterate citizens, one must also grant them a measure of respect. When mullet-sporting individuals are not busy drinking lager beer and fist-fighting law enforcement, they are doing something that everyone else is trying to emulate. They are unashamedly and unapologetically themselves. As much as we try not to care about our appearances and just be ourselves, we are still guided by public opinion and pop culture. When we get haircuts that are fashionable and respectable, we get a haircut that is arbitrarily considered to be a good presentation of ourselves. Do we want a sharp-looking cut because it is considered sharp-looking, or do we design our hair in a way that we happen to like? Instead of forming an image of themselves based on external expectations, mullet-wearers reflect themselves as they are – no gel, highlights or styling necessary. They accept who they are and behave as they please, instead of contorting their image for the approval of others.
