In honor of the monogamous penguins.
All right, I'm going to warn you all before you read any further that this particular article is mostly just me sharing some sentiments on fidelity (see also loyalty, faithfulness, and not cheating on your mate). You see, I had every intention of writing about various coeds' sexual experiences on spring break. I went down to Florida specifically for this purpose (okay, not really). I interviewed four guys and four gals from all along the Eastern Seaboard whilst vacationing in Santa Rosa, asking them various questions pertaining to their "Spring Break Sexcapades". Of the eight, four were involved in serious relationships (two girls and two girls), one was seeing someone but had an "agreement" (a guy, of course), and the other three were completely unattached. Of the four that had significant others, only one (a female) was currently on vacation with said significant other. Let me also say that not all of the four serious relationships were girl-guy. Now, here is the really surprising, and sickening, part: five of the eight said they had previously cheated on someone while on spring break. Three of the five said they had in fact cheated on this very vacation.
Now, while I was in Florida, I began writing my article, but I was really stumped by the fact these people openly shared their infidelity with me, and almost didn't even care that they were destroying relationships. I managed to struggle through it, but something was still plaguing me. So on Sunday morning (two days late turning in my article to my editor), I woke up, erased all my hard work, and started over with what you see before you.
Question: how many of you out there have ever seen the movie Someone Like You, starring Ashley Judd (my fave actress), Greg Kinnear, and Hugh Jackman? Go on, raise your hands (guys, don't be shy). How familiar are you with the New Cow Theory? For those of you wondering, "What the hell is she babbling about?", allow me to elaborate. A bunch of scientists performed an experiment where they mated a bull with a cow. The next day, the scientists returned with the same cow, but the bull wouldn't have her. They tried dowsing the cow with "New Cow" smell so as to fool the bull, but it didn't work. Once he had spread his seed in that particular garden, he refused to visit it again. He did not want the Old Cow; he wanted a New Cow. Inspired by a recent tragic breakup, Jane Goodall (Judd), a TV show producer, decides to publish her thoughts on the New Cow Theory. She researches animal monogamy, human fidelity, and various related topics. In her research, she finds that only 5% of the world's animals are monogamous, while the other 95% are "seed spreaders". Fascinating, isn't it?
I'm not about to preach to you about remaining faithful to your significant others, as I too have harbored illicit thoughts during past relationships. The difference between these adulterous teenagers and me is that I have never acted on my thoughts. I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends, and I will never cheat in the future. I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Who does she think she is, passing judgment on me simply because I couldn't fulfill my sexual needs with an old flame so I had to look to new prospects?!" I promise I'm not passing judgment. Sometimes you're at a raging party, you drink a little too much, and you escape to some secluded bedroom with who you think is your boy/girlfriend. Some other times you have troubles in your relationship, and the best way to take your mind off those troubles is to be with Lola the exotic dancer. Still, some people cheat because they just fall out of love with their mates, and in love with someone else. I don't want to sound like Jerry Springer during his end-of-show commentaries, but if you aren't satisfied with your current relationship (be it sexually, emotionally, whatever), talk to your significant other about it BEFORE you run off with gorgeous Greg from the gym.
Here's another question: how many of you U of L students have ever cheated on a girlfriend or boyfriend? On one hand, I would think that the majority of people have a somewhat reliable system of morals, and thus wouldn't cheat. But on the other hand, whenever I've asked questions like these before, the results are very surprising. Please email me at cardinal_sexpert@hotmail.com with any stories you have or comments you'd like to make.
One last question: how many of you have seen Never Been Kissed, with Drew Barrymore and Molly Shannon? Posed as a high school senior for an undercover story, reporter Josie Gellar (Barrymore), engaged in a class lecture about sex, informs a peer about the mating habits of a certain breed of Arctic penguins. These penguins, she explains, spend their entire lives looking for that one other penguin, and when they meet, they spend the rest of their lives together. There's your thought for the week. Happy romping!
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